One of my favorite songs growing up as a child was called "The Lighthouse". It was my Mama's favorite song. So when I was old enough, I began to sing the song as a special at Church. Some of the lyrics really hit home to me this week as I have struggled with this sorrow that is so all consuming.
There's a Lighthouse on the hillside
That overlooks life's sea
And when I'm tossed about
He sends out a light
So I might see
And the Light that shines in my darkness now
Will safely lead me home
If it wasn't for the Lighthouse
This ship would be no more.
It's amazing to me how I went numb after I lost our babies. I was afraid to feel too much because I was terrified I wouldn't survive the pain. My natural, rote instincts kicked in and I proceeded to go through the motions of daily life. Slowly, the darkness crept in. Until suddenly, I was surrounded by it. Being blinded by the sorrow and the mourning of the future we had planned with our twins.
I prayed, I studied my Word, I cried out to God, I sat quiet before Him, I desperately clung to keeping busy. I started to wake up crying every morning. Crying on the way to work. Crying when one of my sweet, kind hearted patients asks if I have children. Crying driving home from work. Crying going to bed at night. Some days I didn't even know what I was specifically crying about. Before I knew it; my little nuances in life were suddenly tremendous mountains. My ability to cope with something as simple as someone else helping my MIL broke me. I was in the middle of a total meltdown. I sat at the table full of family who loves me and ignored everyone of them for fear that I would lose it in front of them. I couldn't eat because I didn't want to participate in their happiness. Didn't they know I was BROKEN?!?! Needless to say the lunch lasted about 20 minutes when my loving incredible husband took me home. Once there I curled up into a little ball begging God to call me to my Heaven Home. I had enough. I couldn't stand the pain, the emptiness left in my soul from the loss of my children.
After calming down and being still before God I realized that I need help. I cannot do this on my own. The only One who can piece me back together is God. I went to see my doctors and even made an appointment with a Christian counselor. But do you want to know what helped the most?
I reached out to my Pastor. I explained how I was feeling. He told me just as my doctor did that I am not in fact a crazy person and that I need to allow myself to grieve. God has shown me that it's okay if not everyone understands my pain. What matters is communication. I have to have the courage to say, "I'm not okay and I need my prayer warriors to surround me in prayer".
And I do so desperately need my prayer warriors to step up and surround me in prayer. Specifically that God will piece back together all the tiny shards of my broken heart that even I cannot see. Pray that God will give me a new measure of peace everyday so that I can rest in His presence. Pray that His light will continue to shine through my darkness until I am blinded by His love and can take back my joy!
Psalm 139:13-16 is amazing and this is the prayer I am praying over myself:
Abba, You formed every part of me and wove me together in my mama's womb. Please help me to remember that I am a beautiful creation exactly how You made me to be. To hate myself or think myself a failure because my body has not fulfilled my desires means that You are a failure. You never make mistakes Abba. You never fail. Help me to know in my soul that I am Your beautiful creation regardless of my current barenness. <3
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Being Held
Hello Sweet Friends! It's been several weeks since my last post. Life has certainly changed for us. Trying to overcome all the challenges that we have faced since our miscarriage has been really hard. For me personally, I continue to struggle every day with the loss of our precious miracles. I do my very best to stay strong and stay centered in God's Word, but the grief hits me on a daily basis. Some days are better than others. I never forget them. Not for one second. I grieve their loss and I mourn the future we had planned for them. It hurts my heart every time I walk into our back bedroom we had planned for their nursery.
I try to hide my broken heart from everyone because I don't want to seem weak and weepy all the time. I don't always succeed and that is when God reminds me of His scripture:
But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
I'm realizing it's okay to tell people that I'm hurting. It's okay to cry. It's okay to mourn our loss and our plans for their future. It's okay to be weak. It's during my weakness that God can really work. This is what it means to held by my Abba Father.
I don't know God's plan for us. I don't know if our dream of having our own children will ever be our reality. But I do know that whatever I face; whatever mountain gets in my way; whatever heartbreak hits me; that God is holding me and loving through every moment. <3
I try to hide my broken heart from everyone because I don't want to seem weak and weepy all the time. I don't always succeed and that is when God reminds me of His scripture:
But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
I'm realizing it's okay to tell people that I'm hurting. It's okay to cry. It's okay to mourn our loss and our plans for their future. It's okay to be weak. It's during my weakness that God can really work. This is what it means to held by my Abba Father.
I don't know God's plan for us. I don't know if our dream of having our own children will ever be our reality. But I do know that whatever I face; whatever mountain gets in my way; whatever heartbreak hits me; that God is holding me and loving through every moment. <3
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Finding Rest Knowing Heaven Is Our Beloved Babies Home
The past two weeks have been particulary challenging. I found myself seeking ways to distract myself from the uncertainty and the pain of our loss and the potential loss of our second miracle. I kept praying and crying out to God but I felt like I had too many distractions taking away from precious time to grow in my relationship with my Abba Father. So, for a week I went on a "distraction" diet. No Facebook, No Pinteres, No Television. Just me and God. In this week of meditation and quiet times with my Lord I learned a great deal about myself. My doubts, my insecurities, my sins, and my confidence. I hope that through our trials God can touch the hearts of others going through similar struggles or even just their own personal trials even if they are not similar circumstances.
Sometimes I think I get in the habit of trying to be strong. I feel this particulary compelling urge when I am at work even though I am surrounded by those that love and support me. Sometimes I tell people I'm fine or I act like I am fine even when I'm not. Mostly because I so badly WANT to be fine. Or even hope that by saying I'm fine, eventually I will be. I have found myself these past weeks even telling God I am fine and putting up walls around my heart hoping to "convince" God (who knows me more intimately than I know myself) that I am fine.
I realized that if I only show God the surface of me that I will never experience the intimacy I long for and the acceptance and security that only God offers. God so desperately wants me to come close and experience Him and all that He has for me. He wants me to go below my surface and ask Him to show me WHY I want what I want. He showed me that I need to ask if what I want is what I really need.
My Abba Father knows my pain, fears, doubts, and disappointments. He more than anyone understands my dreams and desires. Jesus is the only One who can meet my deepest needs.
In our journey to be parents, I have felt inadequate, like a failure as a woman, insecure, and heartbroken time and again. God has shown me these past weeks that I am not worthy of His love and that I can never do anything to deserve it. He showed me that I am worth His love because He chose to give it to me. I am HIS!! I am clinging to this promise because God's love is perfect that means I don't have to be.
Psalm 36:7 "How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of Your wings."
Hebrews 10:35-36 "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised."
Today, we found out that we lost our second baby. We are broken hearted but we are being picked up and carried by our Abba Father. He is bringing us peace in moments where we begin to think we will never find it. He is strengthening us and growing us through this refining fire. He is loving us and cherishing us. He is sobbing with us when our tears seems never ending. And even through all of this; I am so thankful. We knew our precious babies for a short time, but they were gifted to us all the same. We loved them, cherished them, dreamed for them, and now we mourn them. But what joy we have that they are being held in our Abba Father's arms. They just have Heaven before we do.
Samuel Joshua Hawthorne and Mercy Leigh Ann Hawthorne were given to us and then taken away to a better home than we could've given them. Having the knowledge that we will see them one day is so comforting. I can imagine our little girl singing with the angels just like her Mama loves and our little boy sitting on the lap of Jesus engrossed in His love and power. Thank you Father God for our gifts and thank you for loving us and choosing us to be Your children. Please be near to us these next few weeks and continue to cradle us in Your arms as we grieve and become strengthened in You. <3
Sometimes I think I get in the habit of trying to be strong. I feel this particulary compelling urge when I am at work even though I am surrounded by those that love and support me. Sometimes I tell people I'm fine or I act like I am fine even when I'm not. Mostly because I so badly WANT to be fine. Or even hope that by saying I'm fine, eventually I will be. I have found myself these past weeks even telling God I am fine and putting up walls around my heart hoping to "convince" God (who knows me more intimately than I know myself) that I am fine.
I realized that if I only show God the surface of me that I will never experience the intimacy I long for and the acceptance and security that only God offers. God so desperately wants me to come close and experience Him and all that He has for me. He wants me to go below my surface and ask Him to show me WHY I want what I want. He showed me that I need to ask if what I want is what I really need.
My Abba Father knows my pain, fears, doubts, and disappointments. He more than anyone understands my dreams and desires. Jesus is the only One who can meet my deepest needs.
In our journey to be parents, I have felt inadequate, like a failure as a woman, insecure, and heartbroken time and again. God has shown me these past weeks that I am not worthy of His love and that I can never do anything to deserve it. He showed me that I am worth His love because He chose to give it to me. I am HIS!! I am clinging to this promise because God's love is perfect that means I don't have to be.
Psalm 36:7 "How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of Your wings."
Hebrews 10:35-36 "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised."
Today, we found out that we lost our second baby. We are broken hearted but we are being picked up and carried by our Abba Father. He is bringing us peace in moments where we begin to think we will never find it. He is strengthening us and growing us through this refining fire. He is loving us and cherishing us. He is sobbing with us when our tears seems never ending. And even through all of this; I am so thankful. We knew our precious babies for a short time, but they were gifted to us all the same. We loved them, cherished them, dreamed for them, and now we mourn them. But what joy we have that they are being held in our Abba Father's arms. They just have Heaven before we do.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
When I Fall Down... He Carries Me
Hello sweet friends! So much has changed since my last post! Let me start from the very beginning so you can see just how amazing God has been to us!
Andy and myself decided after much prayer and seeking God's will for our lives that we would try an IVF cycle to try and get pregnant. We started injectable medications on June 29, 2012. I was anxious about giving myself injections. For those of you that know me you know that I am a needle whuss of the biggest proportions. With much prayer and holding my breath I was able to make it through all my injections problem free. I did not respond well to the medications initially so my doctor ended up increasing my medications as well as extending my stimulation time. Thankfully we were able to stimulate 8 follicles. Retrieval went well and 11 eggs were harvested. 7 of our 11 eggs were fertilized and became our sweet babies in waiting. We had a 5 day embryo transfer with 2 sweet embryos.
Here is where our IVF story begins to become hard. After 4 days of bed rest I was feeling incredibly blessed. I began some mild cramping which after several calls to my doctor I found was a really positive sign of our babies implanting. I had not yet heard about our other 5 little babies in waiting (fertilized eggs) after bed rest and I began to be concerned. I called my doctor's office only to be told "they have been disposed of." My heart broke. None of them survived and no one called to tell me and when I asked I was told they had been thrown out with the trash. I really had to get on my knees and seek God's love and peace. I had to rely on God reminding me that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I loved and continue to love each and every one of those little angels and they are being held in my Abba's arms. No better place to be, but my heart still hurt.
We took a blood test to see if we were pregnant on July 31 and found out that we were pregnant! It was one of the best days of our lives. I had left work a little early as I didn't have any patients to treat and was on egg shells waiting for the call. I collapsed on the ground in our living room and cried and cried before I reminded myself that my husband and our parents needed to hear the good news. As you can imagine everyone was thrilled. We announced it from the stage at Church that Wed and just praised God from sun up til sun down. 2 days after our initial blood test the doctor said that my HCG level was too low and that he believed we were having an ectopic pregnancy. On Monday the 6th of August we saw our beautiful twin gestational sacs on an ultrasound. The doctor seeing me that day (I never had the same doctor or nurse) was cautiously optimistic and said she would see us in a week. Later that day we got a call asking us to come back in on the 8th for another blood draw and ultrasound. That was one of the worst days of our journey. My husband was unable to come with me and as we thought everything was fine we didn't see the need. My mother-in-law was wonderful and drove down with me; however, I was in the exam room alone.
The nurse did an ultrasound and then immediately said she needed to get a doctor. The doctor came in and did another ultrasound and then proceeded to tell me that our pregnancy was not viable and that I needed to make the decision to terminate our pregnancy by taking a medication that would force my body into a miscarriage. All I could do was cry while laying on that table. I have never felt so sad in all my life. I just started to praying and crying out to God in my heart begging Him to save me from the despair I was feeling. The doctor kept telling me he was sorry to have to tell me and kept rubbing my leg. I was numb on the outside and screaming on the inside. I told them that I needed time and they left me alone in the exam room to have some privacy. I got dressed and begged God to help me hold it together until I could get to the car. I envisioned all the women out in the waiting room possibly waiting for good news and I didn't want to bring them any anxiety by seeing me have a meltdown in the waiting room. I slipped by the doctors and nurses relatively unnoticed and walked toward my mother-in-law. I didn't stop because I knew my breakdown was coming and I couldn't stop it but I motioned to her. I thought I would die waiting for the elevator. She wanted to know what was wrong and I broke. I did not want to tell her that our babies were lost. I was so confused. I told her what the doctor said and when we reached the car I lost it. I think we sat there for nearly 30 minutes while I sobbed. I had never felt more broken in my life. Again, I begged God. I questioned Him. I praised Him for allowing us to get this far. And then I begged Him some more. We were 3 hours away from home and my mother-in-law had never driven the route in/out of Houston. Here I was heartbroken, a hot mess, crushed, and just sad and I had to drive us out of Houston. Let me tell you friends, God has His angels around us because I drove us out of Houston crying hysterically the entire time. That is the moment that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God picked me up and carried me when I couldn't continue in my own strength.
When I arrived home Andy was such a tremendous support for me. When my emotions took over and all I could was cry out to Jesus; God spoke to Andy's heart and he listened. Andy didn't believe God was calling us to abort our pregnancy. So I called my local OBGYN and had my 3rd ultrasound of the day. My OB said that he did not see what my other doctor saw and he supported us in waiting to see what God was going to do for our pregnancy- BOTH of our babies. He said everything was measuring normally according to his standards and we were elated! God had given us the miracle we had been begging Him for!
On August 14th while at work I began bleeding heavily. I called Andy and then the doctor and we went immediately to be checked. He said he couldn't say what would happen but diagnosed me with threatened miscarriage. We went home and about 3 hours later I passed one of our twins. I was terrified and once again cried out to God for peace and understanding. The next day we went in for another ultrasound and praise God one of our little miracles was still there. Doctor said the sac looked better than it had the day before and while he was sad for us he was also optimistic about our pregnancy with our remaining baby. Please understand that during all this we had stopped communicating with my doctor in Houston as they had tried to force an abortion on us. We went away feeling once again precious hope and tentative joy.
On August 18th I began bleeding again and went to the ER. My gestation sac had grown and did not seem to be in distress; however, the doctors were still unable to see a fetal pole or heartbeat. The doctor put me on a week's bed rest until I could see my OB for another US to check the baby. August 23rd we went for another ultrasound and once again the doctor could not see our baby. He was concerned about a blighted ovum. That is a condition in which the embryo implants and begins to grow; however, the baby does not survive and the body continues on with pregnancy not recognizing that the baby miscarried. Once again, I felt so defeated. As you can imagine at this point I am tired. My heart is bruised and battered. I feel like my whole world has been ripped apart and been pieced back together too many times. As we were leaving the exam room our OB stopped us and said he just didn't feel positive about that diagnosis and that he completely supports us waiting for 2 more weeks to give God time to work and pray for a miracle.
So, this is where I am right now. We are in the two week waiting period to see how God is going to work this scary, heartbreaking situation for His glory. How am I? I have good days and bad days. I have days that I cry at random times just overwhelmed with grief and I have days filled with joy in God's promise to us. I have days where my trust and faith in my Abba father is strong and I have days where it is weak and barely discernible. I have days filled with depression and sadness, and I have days filled with a measure of peace and love from God.
I can't tell you the outcome of our journey and our precious miracle. What I can tell you is how God has already worked in our lives. My husband and I are closer to God than we have ever been. Our relationships with God and with each other have reached new and higher levels. I have seen in the present God's hand in the lives (short or long as they have been or may be) of our children. I have felt God's arms carry me when I have fallen time and time again. I have seen family relationships being repaired and restored through the trials and tribulations we have suffered and continue to suffer. I have seen God bring glory to His kingdom through our story. I have seen God bring me Godly friends and a Church family that have supported us and loved us through our journey.
I am not a perfect person. I am far from in fact. Most of the time I feel like I am not even worth God's blessings and His mercy. I am so thankful for all He has done for us. I praise His name for gifting us the precious miracles for whatever time God has planned. I praise Him for growing and molding me through these trials. I praise Him for all the blessings we have outside of our pregnancy. I praise Him for loving me in spite of all my faults, flaws, failings, and sins. I praise Him for His grace to get through these next days minute by minute. I am nothing without Him and His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
For all our struggles and heartbreak I would not change the circumstances. My God is bigger, stronger, and higher than any other. That will not change if He gifts us with babies now or later. I will still continue to love Him and praise Him. I may be broken, but God can do SO much with the brokenhearted.
Romans 5:1-5 says, "Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulation also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience , experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."
Here are some prayers from Beth Moore's Praying God's Word:
You, Lord, are close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18) You are surely so close to me, Lord. Help me to sense Your presence in my life. I need You more than I need the next breath.
Lord, after this suffering, let it be said that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, make my Savior clear to all those around me. Because of my suffering and willing perseverance, cause others to be encouraged to speak the Word of God more courageously and fearlessly. (Phillipians 1:12-14)
My Favorite says: Help me, Lord, to finally comprehend what it means to consider it pure joy whenever I face trials of many kinds. Help me to know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work in me so that I may mature and complete, lacking nothing. (James 1:2-4) Lord, You are not asking me to rejoice that I have lost someone or something precious but You know that, in my loss I can rejoice in all I have to gain if I am willing. Never must my suffering be in vain.
You say to me, Lord, My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Your power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
If this post reaches even one heart to see the love of God or to see His glory manifested in the life of a weak, hurting, broken woman then all of our suffering has been worth it. It doesn't make it easier but it makes it worth it.
<3
Andy and myself decided after much prayer and seeking God's will for our lives that we would try an IVF cycle to try and get pregnant. We started injectable medications on June 29, 2012. I was anxious about giving myself injections. For those of you that know me you know that I am a needle whuss of the biggest proportions. With much prayer and holding my breath I was able to make it through all my injections problem free. I did not respond well to the medications initially so my doctor ended up increasing my medications as well as extending my stimulation time. Thankfully we were able to stimulate 8 follicles. Retrieval went well and 11 eggs were harvested. 7 of our 11 eggs were fertilized and became our sweet babies in waiting. We had a 5 day embryo transfer with 2 sweet embryos.
Here is where our IVF story begins to become hard. After 4 days of bed rest I was feeling incredibly blessed. I began some mild cramping which after several calls to my doctor I found was a really positive sign of our babies implanting. I had not yet heard about our other 5 little babies in waiting (fertilized eggs) after bed rest and I began to be concerned. I called my doctor's office only to be told "they have been disposed of." My heart broke. None of them survived and no one called to tell me and when I asked I was told they had been thrown out with the trash. I really had to get on my knees and seek God's love and peace. I had to rely on God reminding me that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I loved and continue to love each and every one of those little angels and they are being held in my Abba's arms. No better place to be, but my heart still hurt.
We took a blood test to see if we were pregnant on July 31 and found out that we were pregnant! It was one of the best days of our lives. I had left work a little early as I didn't have any patients to treat and was on egg shells waiting for the call. I collapsed on the ground in our living room and cried and cried before I reminded myself that my husband and our parents needed to hear the good news. As you can imagine everyone was thrilled. We announced it from the stage at Church that Wed and just praised God from sun up til sun down. 2 days after our initial blood test the doctor said that my HCG level was too low and that he believed we were having an ectopic pregnancy. On Monday the 6th of August we saw our beautiful twin gestational sacs on an ultrasound. The doctor seeing me that day (I never had the same doctor or nurse) was cautiously optimistic and said she would see us in a week. Later that day we got a call asking us to come back in on the 8th for another blood draw and ultrasound. That was one of the worst days of our journey. My husband was unable to come with me and as we thought everything was fine we didn't see the need. My mother-in-law was wonderful and drove down with me; however, I was in the exam room alone.
The nurse did an ultrasound and then immediately said she needed to get a doctor. The doctor came in and did another ultrasound and then proceeded to tell me that our pregnancy was not viable and that I needed to make the decision to terminate our pregnancy by taking a medication that would force my body into a miscarriage. All I could do was cry while laying on that table. I have never felt so sad in all my life. I just started to praying and crying out to God in my heart begging Him to save me from the despair I was feeling. The doctor kept telling me he was sorry to have to tell me and kept rubbing my leg. I was numb on the outside and screaming on the inside. I told them that I needed time and they left me alone in the exam room to have some privacy. I got dressed and begged God to help me hold it together until I could get to the car. I envisioned all the women out in the waiting room possibly waiting for good news and I didn't want to bring them any anxiety by seeing me have a meltdown in the waiting room. I slipped by the doctors and nurses relatively unnoticed and walked toward my mother-in-law. I didn't stop because I knew my breakdown was coming and I couldn't stop it but I motioned to her. I thought I would die waiting for the elevator. She wanted to know what was wrong and I broke. I did not want to tell her that our babies were lost. I was so confused. I told her what the doctor said and when we reached the car I lost it. I think we sat there for nearly 30 minutes while I sobbed. I had never felt more broken in my life. Again, I begged God. I questioned Him. I praised Him for allowing us to get this far. And then I begged Him some more. We were 3 hours away from home and my mother-in-law had never driven the route in/out of Houston. Here I was heartbroken, a hot mess, crushed, and just sad and I had to drive us out of Houston. Let me tell you friends, God has His angels around us because I drove us out of Houston crying hysterically the entire time. That is the moment that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God picked me up and carried me when I couldn't continue in my own strength.
When I arrived home Andy was such a tremendous support for me. When my emotions took over and all I could was cry out to Jesus; God spoke to Andy's heart and he listened. Andy didn't believe God was calling us to abort our pregnancy. So I called my local OBGYN and had my 3rd ultrasound of the day. My OB said that he did not see what my other doctor saw and he supported us in waiting to see what God was going to do for our pregnancy- BOTH of our babies. He said everything was measuring normally according to his standards and we were elated! God had given us the miracle we had been begging Him for!
On August 14th while at work I began bleeding heavily. I called Andy and then the doctor and we went immediately to be checked. He said he couldn't say what would happen but diagnosed me with threatened miscarriage. We went home and about 3 hours later I passed one of our twins. I was terrified and once again cried out to God for peace and understanding. The next day we went in for another ultrasound and praise God one of our little miracles was still there. Doctor said the sac looked better than it had the day before and while he was sad for us he was also optimistic about our pregnancy with our remaining baby. Please understand that during all this we had stopped communicating with my doctor in Houston as they had tried to force an abortion on us. We went away feeling once again precious hope and tentative joy.
On August 18th I began bleeding again and went to the ER. My gestation sac had grown and did not seem to be in distress; however, the doctors were still unable to see a fetal pole or heartbeat. The doctor put me on a week's bed rest until I could see my OB for another US to check the baby. August 23rd we went for another ultrasound and once again the doctor could not see our baby. He was concerned about a blighted ovum. That is a condition in which the embryo implants and begins to grow; however, the baby does not survive and the body continues on with pregnancy not recognizing that the baby miscarried. Once again, I felt so defeated. As you can imagine at this point I am tired. My heart is bruised and battered. I feel like my whole world has been ripped apart and been pieced back together too many times. As we were leaving the exam room our OB stopped us and said he just didn't feel positive about that diagnosis and that he completely supports us waiting for 2 more weeks to give God time to work and pray for a miracle.
So, this is where I am right now. We are in the two week waiting period to see how God is going to work this scary, heartbreaking situation for His glory. How am I? I have good days and bad days. I have days that I cry at random times just overwhelmed with grief and I have days filled with joy in God's promise to us. I have days where my trust and faith in my Abba father is strong and I have days where it is weak and barely discernible. I have days filled with depression and sadness, and I have days filled with a measure of peace and love from God.
I can't tell you the outcome of our journey and our precious miracle. What I can tell you is how God has already worked in our lives. My husband and I are closer to God than we have ever been. Our relationships with God and with each other have reached new and higher levels. I have seen in the present God's hand in the lives (short or long as they have been or may be) of our children. I have felt God's arms carry me when I have fallen time and time again. I have seen family relationships being repaired and restored through the trials and tribulations we have suffered and continue to suffer. I have seen God bring glory to His kingdom through our story. I have seen God bring me Godly friends and a Church family that have supported us and loved us through our journey.
I am not a perfect person. I am far from in fact. Most of the time I feel like I am not even worth God's blessings and His mercy. I am so thankful for all He has done for us. I praise His name for gifting us the precious miracles for whatever time God has planned. I praise Him for growing and molding me through these trials. I praise Him for all the blessings we have outside of our pregnancy. I praise Him for loving me in spite of all my faults, flaws, failings, and sins. I praise Him for His grace to get through these next days minute by minute. I am nothing without Him and His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
For all our struggles and heartbreak I would not change the circumstances. My God is bigger, stronger, and higher than any other. That will not change if He gifts us with babies now or later. I will still continue to love Him and praise Him. I may be broken, but God can do SO much with the brokenhearted.
Romans 5:1-5 says, "Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulation also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience , experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."
Here are some prayers from Beth Moore's Praying God's Word:
You, Lord, are close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18) You are surely so close to me, Lord. Help me to sense Your presence in my life. I need You more than I need the next breath.
Lord, after this suffering, let it be said that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, make my Savior clear to all those around me. Because of my suffering and willing perseverance, cause others to be encouraged to speak the Word of God more courageously and fearlessly. (Phillipians 1:12-14)
My Favorite says: Help me, Lord, to finally comprehend what it means to consider it pure joy whenever I face trials of many kinds. Help me to know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work in me so that I may mature and complete, lacking nothing. (James 1:2-4) Lord, You are not asking me to rejoice that I have lost someone or something precious but You know that, in my loss I can rejoice in all I have to gain if I am willing. Never must my suffering be in vain.
You say to me, Lord, My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Your power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
If this post reaches even one heart to see the love of God or to see His glory manifested in the life of a weak, hurting, broken woman then all of our suffering has been worth it. It doesn't make it easier but it makes it worth it.
<3
Monday, May 21, 2012
Praying God's Word
It's been a while since I've been able to post. I've been busy with family visiting from Illinois which has been an amazing blessing to me!! God really teaches you to cherish the blessings in your life when you go through trials.
James 1:2-3 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."
I was talking to a friend on the phone today and we talked about God's refining fire and the miracles that God can work on people's hearts. God has truly refined me and is reshaping me everyday. My heart is strengthened and encouraged because of the trials I am enduring.
One of the ways He is teaching me and reshaping my character to reflect His; is by praying His word over my life. I have created a Prayer Journal (yes I just finished it after starting it at 9pm!! I know I'm obsessed but I can't stop once I get going!!) In my prayer journal I am going to be able to capture a clear view of God's loving kindness. I will be able to see His work in action and will have a legacy of His faithfulness to me to show our children - however they come to us.
I would like to challenge any of you reading to pray scripture over your life. Pray God's word for any situation you may be facing and watch God work for you. Pray His Word and expect Him to move on your behalf. Pray His Word and be joyful in hope and patient in affliction!!
I know my God is bigger and He is faithful to His promises to me. I am confident in His total provision for our lives. I trust Him to provide children for my empty arms. I trust Him to love me through whatever trials and troubles I may go through. I have faith that my God is good.
He loves me like no other. He knows me like no other. He is providing for me like no other. <3
James 1:2-3 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."
I was talking to a friend on the phone today and we talked about God's refining fire and the miracles that God can work on people's hearts. God has truly refined me and is reshaping me everyday. My heart is strengthened and encouraged because of the trials I am enduring.
One of the ways He is teaching me and reshaping my character to reflect His; is by praying His word over my life. I have created a Prayer Journal (yes I just finished it after starting it at 9pm!! I know I'm obsessed but I can't stop once I get going!!) In my prayer journal I am going to be able to capture a clear view of God's loving kindness. I will be able to see His work in action and will have a legacy of His faithfulness to me to show our children - however they come to us.
I would like to challenge any of you reading to pray scripture over your life. Pray God's word for any situation you may be facing and watch God work for you. Pray His Word and expect Him to move on your behalf. Pray His Word and be joyful in hope and patient in affliction!!
I know my God is bigger and He is faithful to His promises to me. I am confident in His total provision for our lives. I trust Him to provide children for my empty arms. I trust Him to love me through whatever trials and troubles I may go through. I have faith that my God is good.
He loves me like no other. He knows me like no other. He is providing for me like no other. <3
Monday, April 9, 2012
Big Mountain - Bigger God
Tomorrow, my husband and I go to our first IVF appointment in Houston with Dr. Gill. I've thought back over the past several years of our struggle and became overwhelmed when I thought about everything I might have to put my body through all over again. I was intimidated by the thought of failure. In my daily devotional time I was so encouraged that I wanted to share an excerpt with you.
"You are mine for all time; nothing can separate you from My love. Since I have invested My very life in you, be well assured that I will also take care of you. When your mind goes into neutral and your thoughts flow freely, you tend to feel anxious and alone. Your focus becomes problem solving. To get your mind back into gear, just turn toward Me, bringing yourself and your problems into My presence. Many problems vanish instantly in the light of My love, because you realize you are never alone. Other problems may remain, but they become secondary to knowing Me and rejoicing in the relationship I so freely offer you. Each moment you can choose to practice my Presence or to practice the presence of problems." The Jesus Calling for April 9th, 2012.
Psalm 103:12 says, "As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us."
I am claiming a spirit of love, joy,peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I am no longer drowning under depression and grief. I am no longer the woman I was. I am new in Christ. My spirit is renewed and refreshed every day because of God's mercy. I refuse to go back to being consumed by anxiety, sadness, depression, and bitterness. I will not let Satan steal my joy. I will not be a slave to my sin; instead, I will wallow in my joy and faith in God to overcome my mountains.
Please pray with us as we start our exciting journey tomorrow. Please pray for peace, trust, wisdom in decision making, and faith for our future babies. <3
"You are mine for all time; nothing can separate you from My love. Since I have invested My very life in you, be well assured that I will also take care of you. When your mind goes into neutral and your thoughts flow freely, you tend to feel anxious and alone. Your focus becomes problem solving. To get your mind back into gear, just turn toward Me, bringing yourself and your problems into My presence. Many problems vanish instantly in the light of My love, because you realize you are never alone. Other problems may remain, but they become secondary to knowing Me and rejoicing in the relationship I so freely offer you. Each moment you can choose to practice my Presence or to practice the presence of problems." The Jesus Calling for April 9th, 2012.
Psalm 103:12 says, "As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us."
I am claiming a spirit of love, joy,peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I am no longer drowning under depression and grief. I am no longer the woman I was. I am new in Christ. My spirit is renewed and refreshed every day because of God's mercy. I refuse to go back to being consumed by anxiety, sadness, depression, and bitterness. I will not let Satan steal my joy. I will not be a slave to my sin; instead, I will wallow in my joy and faith in God to overcome my mountains.
Please pray with us as we start our exciting journey tomorrow. Please pray for peace, trust, wisdom in decision making, and faith for our future babies. <3
Friday, March 23, 2012
The Journey of a Thousand Miles....And Then Some
My husband and I knew from the moment we met that we were for each other. That kind of knowing is so special and so rare. There is a part of a woman and me specifically that knows I am designed to be a mother. I am designed to love, nurture, and grow my child up in God's love and heritage that has been passed down through both of our God loving families.
Psalm 127:3 "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward."
To me one of the greatest tasks God has appointed me to do in my short life is this:
"And God blessed them. And God said to the, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth." Genesis 1:28
God's calling on my life is to be fruitful and to multiply and I am trusting Him to honor that promise to us. I have spent quite a bit of time in prayer and most of it has been tearful lately. Since my surgery I have been in quite a bit of pain and it's sometimes hard to see past the pain (the seen) and look for the unseen. Lately God has been speaking to me about peace and trust and thankfullness.
We have prayed and decided to try an IVF cycle. We have our first appointment on April 10th, 2012. It is very expensive and hard on a woman's body, but we feel this is the path that God has led us to and we are trying to trust Him through this. It's a good thing His mercy is new everyday.
Andy and I are standing on several scriptures and using them to boost our faith, build our trust, fill us with peace, and give us courage to face the path that God has brought us to. I created a video with pictures of us and other pictures I have taken of nature and have added all of those scriptures to them. I hope that in some way you are blessed by watching it. I pray that God will use our journey to reach others and that He will give me courage to show the love of Christ even when I feel hopeless. <3
Psalm 127:3 "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward."
To me one of the greatest tasks God has appointed me to do in my short life is this:
"And God blessed them. And God said to the, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth." Genesis 1:28
God's calling on my life is to be fruitful and to multiply and I am trusting Him to honor that promise to us. I have spent quite a bit of time in prayer and most of it has been tearful lately. Since my surgery I have been in quite a bit of pain and it's sometimes hard to see past the pain (the seen) and look for the unseen. Lately God has been speaking to me about peace and trust and thankfullness.
We have prayed and decided to try an IVF cycle. We have our first appointment on April 10th, 2012. It is very expensive and hard on a woman's body, but we feel this is the path that God has led us to and we are trying to trust Him through this. It's a good thing His mercy is new everyday.
Andy and I are standing on several scriptures and using them to boost our faith, build our trust, fill us with peace, and give us courage to face the path that God has brought us to. I created a video with pictures of us and other pictures I have taken of nature and have added all of those scriptures to them. I hope that in some way you are blessed by watching it. I pray that God will use our journey to reach others and that He will give me courage to show the love of Christ even when I feel hopeless. <3
Friday, March 16, 2012
One Day
One day my prayer will be answered.
One day I will feel my hope soar to belief and my belief blossom into a beautiful truth.
One day I will sob for joy instead of sorrow. I will share my excitement instead of my heartbreak.
One day I will know you are mine. I will see your picture just as you’ve barely begun, as you grow, and as you get ready to be in my arms.
One day my heart will no longer break for a distant dream but will heal as you grow in me.
One day I will joyfully go through every pain and exhausted moment to meet you with a smile on my face.
One day I will hold you and cry for the incredible miracle that has just been given to me. I will know true and complete love for you that will never die.
One day I will be the best Mama because I believed for you, cried for you, struggled for you, suffered for you, hurt for you, and loved for you: all before you even existed.
One day I will be your Mama and you will be my beautiful child.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Let It Rain
So, I asked for it. I prayed that God would refine me in this fertility process and that He would show me any offensive way in me. I got what I asked for and then some.
Last Monday I had a diagnostic laparoscopy done in light of my inability to maintain a pregnancy. It was scheduled for Monday evening as the surgery was only supposed to take 45 minutes at most. After beginning the surgery my doctor found a tremendous amount of endometriosis. A 45 minute surgery turned into 5 plus hours.
When I woke up; I found out I had been admitted to the hospital due to the severity of the endometriosis and extent of the surgery. I was pretty out of it and hurting badly and had a hard time understanding just exactly what had happened. My husband had talked to the doctor after my surgery and while I trust him and love him dearly I really wanted to hear from the doctor about what she found and what my prognosis was.
I was discharged the following day and went to the office on that following Thursday. Initially she had me seeing her nurse practitioner but she had no idea what had gone on during my surgery so I asked to see my doctor in person. She told me about the extent of the endometriosis. She told me that it was so severe that my ovaries were both adhered to organs and that it was very bad. She got most of it out and told me that the next 3 months are my most fertile and the highest chances for getting pregnant without invitro. After that time frame she said Invitro will be our only option in order to avoid a hysterectomy.
Yes, this is good news and yet I have to admit to you how much my heart hurts for the months past. She told me she lifted one ovary and saw a ton of eggs just sitting in there because they were trapped. My heart broke when I heard that. All I could think about was all the little eggs that could've been my own little babies in my arms. After I was over the initial hurt my doctor told me about my prognosis.
Yes, I have 3 months with the highest fertility and that is a true gift from God, but what came next terrified me. She diagnosed me with stage 4 endometriosis. This means that it is going to come back. The higher the estrogen in my body the faster it will grow. The treatments needed to get me pregnant will unfortunately speed the growth of the endometriosis, although how fast it will grow is unknown. She told me that with stage 4 endometriosis it usually gets so bad and painful that it results in a hysterectomy. Knowing that we want children, of course will delay this unless it is absolutely necessary.
It is so easy to hear the medical facts and let it break you. I spent a week feeling broken and cried every day. Of course, I had some physical complications that contributed to my emotionalism. I poured my heart out to God asking why with no answers coming. Then today I realized that I asked God to refine me. During my prayer time today God reminded me to focus on the unseen. Yes, the facts laid out before me are daunting. But I serve a God who is more than enough.
My faith is the key to receiving. It takes faith to bring things from the unseen realm of the spirit into the seen realm—the here and now.
Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
Luke 1:45 "And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord."
There is one way to receive the unseen. That is by faith. So, sometimes even though my faith wavers with the seen I am determined to trust in a God of miracles and a God that can and does move mountains. I am claiming my baby. I am claiming complete health and normal function for my reproductive system. I am claiming my own healthy pregnancy filled with happiness and health. I am claiming my child of my own body. I have faith in God to heal my body. And my heart.
Will you please join with my husband and myself in prayer for total healing and a healthy pregnancy to come? Where two or more are gathered in His name He is among us. <3
Last Monday I had a diagnostic laparoscopy done in light of my inability to maintain a pregnancy. It was scheduled for Monday evening as the surgery was only supposed to take 45 minutes at most. After beginning the surgery my doctor found a tremendous amount of endometriosis. A 45 minute surgery turned into 5 plus hours.
When I woke up; I found out I had been admitted to the hospital due to the severity of the endometriosis and extent of the surgery. I was pretty out of it and hurting badly and had a hard time understanding just exactly what had happened. My husband had talked to the doctor after my surgery and while I trust him and love him dearly I really wanted to hear from the doctor about what she found and what my prognosis was.
I was discharged the following day and went to the office on that following Thursday. Initially she had me seeing her nurse practitioner but she had no idea what had gone on during my surgery so I asked to see my doctor in person. She told me about the extent of the endometriosis. She told me that it was so severe that my ovaries were both adhered to organs and that it was very bad. She got most of it out and told me that the next 3 months are my most fertile and the highest chances for getting pregnant without invitro. After that time frame she said Invitro will be our only option in order to avoid a hysterectomy.
Yes, this is good news and yet I have to admit to you how much my heart hurts for the months past. She told me she lifted one ovary and saw a ton of eggs just sitting in there because they were trapped. My heart broke when I heard that. All I could think about was all the little eggs that could've been my own little babies in my arms. After I was over the initial hurt my doctor told me about my prognosis.
Yes, I have 3 months with the highest fertility and that is a true gift from God, but what came next terrified me. She diagnosed me with stage 4 endometriosis. This means that it is going to come back. The higher the estrogen in my body the faster it will grow. The treatments needed to get me pregnant will unfortunately speed the growth of the endometriosis, although how fast it will grow is unknown. She told me that with stage 4 endometriosis it usually gets so bad and painful that it results in a hysterectomy. Knowing that we want children, of course will delay this unless it is absolutely necessary.
It is so easy to hear the medical facts and let it break you. I spent a week feeling broken and cried every day. Of course, I had some physical complications that contributed to my emotionalism. I poured my heart out to God asking why with no answers coming. Then today I realized that I asked God to refine me. During my prayer time today God reminded me to focus on the unseen. Yes, the facts laid out before me are daunting. But I serve a God who is more than enough.
My faith is the key to receiving. It takes faith to bring things from the unseen realm of the spirit into the seen realm—the here and now.
Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”
Luke 1:45 "And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord."
There is one way to receive the unseen. That is by faith. So, sometimes even though my faith wavers with the seen I am determined to trust in a God of miracles and a God that can and does move mountains. I am claiming my baby. I am claiming complete health and normal function for my reproductive system. I am claiming my own healthy pregnancy filled with happiness and health. I am claiming my child of my own body. I have faith in God to heal my body. And my heart.
Will you please join with my husband and myself in prayer for total healing and a healthy pregnancy to come? Where two or more are gathered in His name He is among us. <3
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Refining Fire
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24
You know, for a woman who has been challenged with getting pregnant be it months of trying or years there is a certain amount of heartbreak that comes along with watching those around you experience the blessing of pregnancy and motherhood. For years I would go home and cry all evening after hearing the news of a new pregnancy or even seeing someone I knew pregnant. I felt so much guilt and self-hatred over my inability to be happy for those experiencing that incredible blessing that I so desperately wanted for myself. I felt like a horrible, mean spirited person but I just couldn't be joyful for others when I was so desolate. :'( If I'm going to be completely honest thinking about the place I was in makes me teary. (Yes, I'm totally crying as I write this!)
A part of praying like Hannah means that I had to let God into my heart. I had to be willing to let Him heal my heart and renew my Spirit. It's a work in progress and I've come so far. Last week in my quiet time with God I normally do a standard devotional but I felt God leading me blindly to His Word. I was so incredibly blessed by the scripture He led me to. Psalm 139:23-24.
Search me O God. Do you know how terrifying that is? It's a tough thing not to constantly guard your heart. Being such a sensitive person I have had a tendency in the past to just pour it all out there. After getting burned pretty badly I had learned to put up walls and guard my heart. Even against God for fear of rejection. I felt like a failure and asking God to search my heart and to try me and know my anxious thoughts seemed pretty intimidating. What I took from this is that God wants me vulnerable to Him. He wants me exposed so that He can refine me into His image. If I do not allow Him into the deepest confines of my heart and anxieties how can He heal and renew me? I was afraid He would turn His back on me once He realized what a terrible failure I have been to Him. Good News!! He loves me anyway. Regardless of my faults and sins. He is constantly refining me and molding me into the Godly woman He envisioned me to be. How exciting is that???
Onto a personal experience I've had last week that really shows just how awesome God is and how much of a difference He can make.
As some of you may know I recently started a transitioned from PRN to full time at the local hospital. It was a HUGE answer to prayer and surprisingly enough for me a true eye opener. You see, all these years I have labeled myself as defective and as a failure as a woman. It has been hard to see past those labels when you have seen only them for so long. God has truly blessed me with the BEST group of women and friends at work. When I can go to work and profess my love for Christ and it is echoed in the hearts of so many I work with it changes you.
I want you to truly see how God can work miracles in the lives of His children once they surrender to Him. Last week our little family at work had a HUGE surprise with a new baby's arrival nearly 6 weeks early. Mama and baby are wonderful but as amazing as that story is I'm going to show you a different perspective. Once upon a time I would have gone home and cried for days on end and been in a black depression obsessing about how much of a failure I was. Last week God showed me how much healing He has actually done. During the time that I have known this woman our friendship has grown and I have rejoiced with her during her pregnancy. When the baby was born I was able to go to the hospital to visit her and the baby and rejoice with the family. I was able to make a hat for the baby and not cry the entire time that it wasn't a hat for my own child.
I cannot begin to express to you what a burden He has lifted from my shoulders. It still hurts and I'm not going to pretend otherwise, but I don't begrudge others their own special joy either. I was able to rejoice about the birth of a child in the first time in nearly 3 years without having a complete breakdown. Wow. He is GOOD!!
Do you want to know one of the best parts? All of the women I work with and even the men will all rejoice WITH ME when I am having a baby. Regardless of how he/she comes to me. God has blessed me with incredible lasting friendships that are based on our love for Him. God is truly bringing me full circle and I finally feel peace, joy and contentment. It's an incredible place to be.
My cup overflows. <3
You know, for a woman who has been challenged with getting pregnant be it months of trying or years there is a certain amount of heartbreak that comes along with watching those around you experience the blessing of pregnancy and motherhood. For years I would go home and cry all evening after hearing the news of a new pregnancy or even seeing someone I knew pregnant. I felt so much guilt and self-hatred over my inability to be happy for those experiencing that incredible blessing that I so desperately wanted for myself. I felt like a horrible, mean spirited person but I just couldn't be joyful for others when I was so desolate. :'( If I'm going to be completely honest thinking about the place I was in makes me teary. (Yes, I'm totally crying as I write this!)
A part of praying like Hannah means that I had to let God into my heart. I had to be willing to let Him heal my heart and renew my Spirit. It's a work in progress and I've come so far. Last week in my quiet time with God I normally do a standard devotional but I felt God leading me blindly to His Word. I was so incredibly blessed by the scripture He led me to. Psalm 139:23-24.
Search me O God. Do you know how terrifying that is? It's a tough thing not to constantly guard your heart. Being such a sensitive person I have had a tendency in the past to just pour it all out there. After getting burned pretty badly I had learned to put up walls and guard my heart. Even against God for fear of rejection. I felt like a failure and asking God to search my heart and to try me and know my anxious thoughts seemed pretty intimidating. What I took from this is that God wants me vulnerable to Him. He wants me exposed so that He can refine me into His image. If I do not allow Him into the deepest confines of my heart and anxieties how can He heal and renew me? I was afraid He would turn His back on me once He realized what a terrible failure I have been to Him. Good News!! He loves me anyway. Regardless of my faults and sins. He is constantly refining me and molding me into the Godly woman He envisioned me to be. How exciting is that???
Onto a personal experience I've had last week that really shows just how awesome God is and how much of a difference He can make.
As some of you may know I recently started a transitioned from PRN to full time at the local hospital. It was a HUGE answer to prayer and surprisingly enough for me a true eye opener. You see, all these years I have labeled myself as defective and as a failure as a woman. It has been hard to see past those labels when you have seen only them for so long. God has truly blessed me with the BEST group of women and friends at work. When I can go to work and profess my love for Christ and it is echoed in the hearts of so many I work with it changes you.
I want you to truly see how God can work miracles in the lives of His children once they surrender to Him. Last week our little family at work had a HUGE surprise with a new baby's arrival nearly 6 weeks early. Mama and baby are wonderful but as amazing as that story is I'm going to show you a different perspective. Once upon a time I would have gone home and cried for days on end and been in a black depression obsessing about how much of a failure I was. Last week God showed me how much healing He has actually done. During the time that I have known this woman our friendship has grown and I have rejoiced with her during her pregnancy. When the baby was born I was able to go to the hospital to visit her and the baby and rejoice with the family. I was able to make a hat for the baby and not cry the entire time that it wasn't a hat for my own child.
I cannot begin to express to you what a burden He has lifted from my shoulders. It still hurts and I'm not going to pretend otherwise, but I don't begrudge others their own special joy either. I was able to rejoice about the birth of a child in the first time in nearly 3 years without having a complete breakdown. Wow. He is GOOD!!
Do you want to know one of the best parts? All of the women I work with and even the men will all rejoice WITH ME when I am having a baby. Regardless of how he/she comes to me. God has blessed me with incredible lasting friendships that are based on our love for Him. God is truly bringing me full circle and I finally feel peace, joy and contentment. It's an incredible place to be.
My cup overflows. <3
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Choosing Joy
It has been a wonderful week in the Hawthorne household so far. I know, I know, it's only Wednesday but it's already awesome. In my quest to be still before God I have found that joy in Him has a lot to do with my ability to be still. It's funny how the molehills in your life turn into mountains and those mountains remove you from the joy that is abundant in Him.
Psalm 43:4 says "Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight."
In my fertility journey I had lost joy in Him. I'd lost sight of who I am in Christ. I'd lost my grip on true and overwhelming joy. I am reading a devotional by Angela Thomas called Choosing Joy. It's a year long devotional on rediscovering joy in Him. I'm so excited to plug into the joy and happiness and peace and contentment that He has for me. I'm also looking forward to the refining that comes along with this process.
I've made several life changes over the past year. It's taken me that long to get where I want to be and where I truly believe God wants me to be. I quit high stress jobs with endless responsibilities. I had always taken jobs that paid good money but came with a lot of stress and responsibility. It was a decision I was ready for a while ago but took me a while to find a good fit. Now I'm no longer working 80 hours a week and am focusing on why I got into therapy in the first place. For the joy of it. :) We bought a home and are renovating it instead of renting and moving all the time. And the biggest of all...I'm learning to be still before God and be content with the blessings He has given me. There is a lot to be said for slowing down and getting rid of the stress and letting go of your burdens. I feel so light now that I've come to that place where I'm being still and finding joy while letting go of a lot of unnecessary stress. Letting go and letting God may sound cliche but it's a game changer. I'm still working on it but I'm excited about the journey.
This morning I woke up slowly, thankful for God's provisions in my life. It's been a while since I've woken up thankful instead of with anger, grief, and despair. It was so refreshing to take time with God this morning. Actually carve out special time for just us, no distractions or rushing around to keep me from focusing on Him. I read my devotional and had my prayer time all while slowing down long enough to find JOY in it. Today I'm amazed at how God is working in my life. I feel renewed and refreshed in Him. What an incredible day. One of many more to come. <3
Psalm 43:4 says "Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight."
In my fertility journey I had lost joy in Him. I'd lost sight of who I am in Christ. I'd lost my grip on true and overwhelming joy. I am reading a devotional by Angela Thomas called Choosing Joy. It's a year long devotional on rediscovering joy in Him. I'm so excited to plug into the joy and happiness and peace and contentment that He has for me. I'm also looking forward to the refining that comes along with this process.
I've made several life changes over the past year. It's taken me that long to get where I want to be and where I truly believe God wants me to be. I quit high stress jobs with endless responsibilities. I had always taken jobs that paid good money but came with a lot of stress and responsibility. It was a decision I was ready for a while ago but took me a while to find a good fit. Now I'm no longer working 80 hours a week and am focusing on why I got into therapy in the first place. For the joy of it. :) We bought a home and are renovating it instead of renting and moving all the time. And the biggest of all...I'm learning to be still before God and be content with the blessings He has given me. There is a lot to be said for slowing down and getting rid of the stress and letting go of your burdens. I feel so light now that I've come to that place where I'm being still and finding joy while letting go of a lot of unnecessary stress. Letting go and letting God may sound cliche but it's a game changer. I'm still working on it but I'm excited about the journey.
This morning I woke up slowly, thankful for God's provisions in my life. It's been a while since I've woken up thankful instead of with anger, grief, and despair. It was so refreshing to take time with God this morning. Actually carve out special time for just us, no distractions or rushing around to keep me from focusing on Him. I read my devotional and had my prayer time all while slowing down long enough to find JOY in it. Today I'm amazed at how God is working in my life. I feel renewed and refreshed in Him. What an incredible day. One of many more to come. <3
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The Waiting
In all of my poking around online I recently found a saying that really touched my heart.
Faith in God includes faith in His timing.
For the past nearly 3 years I've been in a constant state of waiting. Now, patience is not my strongest virtue. In fact, I would be fairly confident to tell you that it's not in my repertoire at all. It is a struggle for me to not take charge of a situation. I don't know about the rest of ya'll but I tend to fully commit and then make it happen. Once I've decided something I go for it. So learning to be still is SOOOO hard.
This week I've been praying that God help me be patient. Since I don't know how to be patient on a personal level; I'm going to need an extra amount of grace. In my quiet time with God today He showed me that even WHEN I do get pregnant (notice the positive affirmations) that the waiting will not just mysteriously vanish. So I examined the waiting process.
I'm waiting to get pregnant.
I will be waiting for 9 months to meet our child.
I will be waiting while in labor.
I will be waiting on SOMETHING for the rest of my life.
Do you think God is trying to teach me something?? Just trusting God for only pregnancy is silly. I need to learn to trust God in all aspects of my life and I need to wait on Him to show me His will for my life. His call is for me to be patient in all things.
There is a lot of guilt and shame attached to "infertility". For a very long time I felt like a complete and total failure as a woman. I felt like my life was useless if I could not carry and birth a child of my own body. In my quiet time God showed me Psalm 25:3 "Let none that wait on You be ashamed."
Here are some more scriptures that have encouraged me this week!
Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry."
Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word do I hope." (SO TRUE)
Psalm 40:31 "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint." (this is my Mama's favorite)
Michah 7:7 "Therefore I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me."
So I've got the hint, Father God. I need to wait but not only do I need to wait; I need to hope. I gave up on hope a while ago and although there was always a flicker of it there every month, I was not EXPECTING it to happen.
That's changing for me. I am renewing my hope in God. I am working on being patient and being still. I am working on waiting for God and expecting Him to grant me the desires of my heart. I am working on trusting Him to provide for all of my needs: spiritual, emotional, and physical.
You know, the waiting doesn't seem so devestating when there is so much hope in God. <3
Faith in God includes faith in His timing.
For the past nearly 3 years I've been in a constant state of waiting. Now, patience is not my strongest virtue. In fact, I would be fairly confident to tell you that it's not in my repertoire at all. It is a struggle for me to not take charge of a situation. I don't know about the rest of ya'll but I tend to fully commit and then make it happen. Once I've decided something I go for it. So learning to be still is SOOOO hard.
This week I've been praying that God help me be patient. Since I don't know how to be patient on a personal level; I'm going to need an extra amount of grace. In my quiet time with God today He showed me that even WHEN I do get pregnant (notice the positive affirmations) that the waiting will not just mysteriously vanish. So I examined the waiting process.
I'm waiting to get pregnant.
I will be waiting for 9 months to meet our child.
I will be waiting while in labor.
I will be waiting on SOMETHING for the rest of my life.
Do you think God is trying to teach me something?? Just trusting God for only pregnancy is silly. I need to learn to trust God in all aspects of my life and I need to wait on Him to show me His will for my life. His call is for me to be patient in all things.
There is a lot of guilt and shame attached to "infertility". For a very long time I felt like a complete and total failure as a woman. I felt like my life was useless if I could not carry and birth a child of my own body. In my quiet time God showed me Psalm 25:3 "Let none that wait on You be ashamed."
Here are some more scriptures that have encouraged me this week!
Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry."
Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word do I hope." (SO TRUE)
Psalm 40:31 "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint." (this is my Mama's favorite)
Michah 7:7 "Therefore I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me."
So I've got the hint, Father God. I need to wait but not only do I need to wait; I need to hope. I gave up on hope a while ago and although there was always a flicker of it there every month, I was not EXPECTING it to happen.
That's changing for me. I am renewing my hope in God. I am working on being patient and being still. I am working on waiting for God and expecting Him to grant me the desires of my heart. I am working on trusting Him to provide for all of my needs: spiritual, emotional, and physical.
You know, the waiting doesn't seem so devestating when there is so much hope in God. <3
Friday, January 13, 2012
Our Mountains and Our Molehills - Part 3
The third step I took was deciding to let go. When I hyperstimulated I decided to take control. I took a little too much. Then I took a lot more until I was begging for God to hear me and yet I wasn't allowing Him to speak into my life or move. I put Him in a tiny little box and kept Him on my shelf. I took Him out once and a while to admire Him and then promptly put Him back on the shelf so I could "fix". I was so tired. Tired of the burden of so many stresses and not being able to carry the load anymore. I was literally suffocating in my anxiety from the burden of it all.
Matthew 17:20 says, "And He said to them, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you."
This is my daily proclomation now. Where was my faith? I know I keep going on and on about faith but without it life is incredibly overwhelming. Recently I had to make a tough decision about a job opportunity. I had to be more patient than I think I have ever been to wait for the right job to become available. I prayed and prayed that God would "hurry up already" and let me make a move. It did take a lot of prayer and a lot of faith but He did honor my prayers and the desire of my heart. For my faithfulness I have been given an incredible gift of amazing co-workers and an incredible company that I get call my own now. How good is my God? I shouldn't be amazed or surprised but honestly I hope that my amazement of God never ceases. It's an incredible place to be.
So here I sit writing this post and I'm sure you are wondering where we stand with our fertility journey. In my quiet time with God (if you don't do this you are really missing out on a tremendous blessing), He showed me how important it is to have faith in Him. Not only that but also to focus on my health and not "infertility". I can also have what I say so I am trying to re-phrase my language to focus on the positive and not always negative. I have started some homeopathic treatments as well as focusing on my spiritual health. In addition to taking natural supplements I am beginning to research going organic for my food source. Not only for fertility but to feel good and be healthy. It's a challenge for sure but I look forward to the journey.
Will we go back to fertility treatments? I'm unsure of what God has for us. Right now I am trusting Him to know what is best for us and to lead us in the right direction. After a lot of prayer and mild arguments with God; I feel led to start a support group for women who are going through similar trials. I have prayed and God has laid it on my heart that we should not have to hide our pain and guilt, but rather lean on the body of Christ for support and love. I've always been transparent and it has not always ended well for me. In fact, most often it ends up hurting me ten fold. I am trusting God to protect my heart in this process as well as the hearts of whatever women I might be blessed enough to encounter and show the love of God to. Together with my OBGYN we are working on founding a Christ centered support group for women facing fertility issues. I keep thinking of how good it will feel to talk to women who know absolutely the pain that accompanies these challenges and how God can work in the lives of these women including myself. I am relieved to put the stress and the pain behind me and face brighter days ahead.
I feel so much contentment and peace today. It's been a while since I've been in this place with my heart. Thank you Jesus for being my savior, my Abba Father, and my Jehovah-Jireh. <3
Matthew 17:20 says, "And He said to them, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you."
This is my daily proclomation now. Where was my faith? I know I keep going on and on about faith but without it life is incredibly overwhelming. Recently I had to make a tough decision about a job opportunity. I had to be more patient than I think I have ever been to wait for the right job to become available. I prayed and prayed that God would "hurry up already" and let me make a move. It did take a lot of prayer and a lot of faith but He did honor my prayers and the desire of my heart. For my faithfulness I have been given an incredible gift of amazing co-workers and an incredible company that I get call my own now. How good is my God? I shouldn't be amazed or surprised but honestly I hope that my amazement of God never ceases. It's an incredible place to be.
So here I sit writing this post and I'm sure you are wondering where we stand with our fertility journey. In my quiet time with God (if you don't do this you are really missing out on a tremendous blessing), He showed me how important it is to have faith in Him. Not only that but also to focus on my health and not "infertility". I can also have what I say so I am trying to re-phrase my language to focus on the positive and not always negative. I have started some homeopathic treatments as well as focusing on my spiritual health. In addition to taking natural supplements I am beginning to research going organic for my food source. Not only for fertility but to feel good and be healthy. It's a challenge for sure but I look forward to the journey.
Will we go back to fertility treatments? I'm unsure of what God has for us. Right now I am trusting Him to know what is best for us and to lead us in the right direction. After a lot of prayer and mild arguments with God; I feel led to start a support group for women who are going through similar trials. I have prayed and God has laid it on my heart that we should not have to hide our pain and guilt, but rather lean on the body of Christ for support and love. I've always been transparent and it has not always ended well for me. In fact, most often it ends up hurting me ten fold. I am trusting God to protect my heart in this process as well as the hearts of whatever women I might be blessed enough to encounter and show the love of God to. Together with my OBGYN we are working on founding a Christ centered support group for women facing fertility issues. I keep thinking of how good it will feel to talk to women who know absolutely the pain that accompanies these challenges and how God can work in the lives of these women including myself. I am relieved to put the stress and the pain behind me and face brighter days ahead.
I feel so much contentment and peace today. It's been a while since I've been in this place with my heart. Thank you Jesus for being my savior, my Abba Father, and my Jehovah-Jireh. <3
Our Mountains and Our Molehills - Part 2
When we first met our OBGYN it was on a Saturday. She called and had to cancel our appointment during the week and then called back and asked if we could come in on Saturday so she could see us. This was our first inkling that she was an answer to prayer. Finally we had a doctor that was truly passionate about her job and about her patients. After our consultation she repeated several tests and found problems that had not been identified previously. Let me also say that I had been diagnosed with PCOS after hyperstimulating on Clomid. I was told I was too fat. I was told that I would never be able to have children. When I came to her I was nearly broken and my emotions were all over the place. I didn't know what to believe. I didn't know what to do. During our first appointment our doctor prayed with us. She cried with me and hugged me. She told me that she was going to do everything she could to help us. THAT kind of compassion and empathy boosted my spirits and my heart began to hope again.
She diagnosed me with an-ovulation and threw out all the other diagnosis. She started me on Letrizol in combination with HCG shots to release the eggs and progesterone to support a pregnancy. The medication was a success in that my body actually ovulated on the medication. Unfortunately ovulation came as incredibly painful and draining. I was in the ER most every month with uncontrollable pain. I thought I was going to die, but I was willing to endure ANYTHING to get pregnant. After 8 months of gruelling physical trauma to my body and extreme emotional distress, we made the decision to take a break.
For the past several years I had been in rehab management. The positions I took as a manager were stressful and I often took on "project" departments that required a lot of work in order to get them functioning well and to be profitable. As you can imagine these jobs were very stressful and exactly the opposite of what is needed for an infertile woman. All during my fertility treatments we had quite a lot of personal sorrow as well. We lost both of my husband's grandparents and went through quite a bit of sadness and loss. In telling you all of this I realize looking back that where you are in life can really have a huge impact on your fertility. During this time of struggle, sadness, and stress I was trying to force my body to do something it wasn't ready to do. Relax?? Who does that?! ;)
Since taking a break from all of the fertility treatments I have had a lot of time to make changes to my lifestyle. The first step was going back to being a solely treating therapist. No more management and no more stress (not as much anyway). Then I started treating a whole new population with different diagnosis and I felt my passion ignite for my profession agian. The second was we bought a home and renovated so it was comfortable for us. We are still in process of renovating, but who isn't if you own a home, right? :)
She diagnosed me with an-ovulation and threw out all the other diagnosis. She started me on Letrizol in combination with HCG shots to release the eggs and progesterone to support a pregnancy. The medication was a success in that my body actually ovulated on the medication. Unfortunately ovulation came as incredibly painful and draining. I was in the ER most every month with uncontrollable pain. I thought I was going to die, but I was willing to endure ANYTHING to get pregnant. After 8 months of gruelling physical trauma to my body and extreme emotional distress, we made the decision to take a break.
For the past several years I had been in rehab management. The positions I took as a manager were stressful and I often took on "project" departments that required a lot of work in order to get them functioning well and to be profitable. As you can imagine these jobs were very stressful and exactly the opposite of what is needed for an infertile woman. All during my fertility treatments we had quite a lot of personal sorrow as well. We lost both of my husband's grandparents and went through quite a bit of sadness and loss. In telling you all of this I realize looking back that where you are in life can really have a huge impact on your fertility. During this time of struggle, sadness, and stress I was trying to force my body to do something it wasn't ready to do. Relax?? Who does that?! ;)
Since taking a break from all of the fertility treatments I have had a lot of time to make changes to my lifestyle. The first step was going back to being a solely treating therapist. No more management and no more stress (not as much anyway). Then I started treating a whole new population with different diagnosis and I felt my passion ignite for my profession agian. The second was we bought a home and renovated so it was comfortable for us. We are still in process of renovating, but who isn't if you own a home, right? :)
Our Mountain and Our Molehills - Part 1
I wanted to share our story so that you can see where we started and how far we have come. Our story starts when I had been in Texas for 2 years after taking a leap of faith with God's direction for my life. I was feeling lost and wondering why on earth had God sent me to Texas for 2 years. My husband Andy and I met through e-Harmony in the summer of 2008. When we were matched I acutally got on to close my account. I was preparing to move back home to Illinois to be with my family. I was in the process of accepting a great position in St. Louis where I could be close to my childhood best friend who was expecting her first child. I was setting myself up to return to those I loved the most and the ones that loved me the most.
Then comes Andy. He changed my life. I knew from our very first date that this was going to be the man that I was going to marry. He charmed me, wooed me, and loved me for me. He truly is my best friend and my soul mate.
We married in the summer of 2009 and immediately started trying to start a family. As I was 28 and fixin on 29 we were anxious to get started. We both married as we were older and knew that we wanted a family right away.
After 6 months of not being successful we sought help from a local OBGYN. I was immediately given a low dose of Clomid without any testing. I took Clomid for one cycle and was not monitored. I was given no information about the medication side effects so you can imagine my surprise when I ended up in the ER with hyper-stimulated and in incredible pain. Many tests later and 900 miles away from home and my OBGYN I was told to rest and be very careful not to do too much so I could avoid losing an ovary. As you can imagine this was all very traumatic and I was left hurting not only physically but emotionally. I was scared and confused not really understanding why I was going through all of this.
That was when I decided I was going to take control of my infertility decisions. I was going to become informed and ensure that I educated myself on infertilty and treatments and my options. When I made that decision I unconsciously made the decision to push God to the backburner and rely on myself to "fix" my fertility issues.
When we got back to Texas from visiting my family my husband and I talked to a friend and his wife who had infertility treatments in Houston. We made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrynologist right away and went to see her. This doctor ran several tests and stated that physically everything looked great with the exception of my weight. My husband's test all came back great. When she sat us down she told me that I was too fat for her to help me get pregnant. She told me that I was not healthy enough and she would not help me get pregnant until I had lost weight.
As you can imagine this was crushing. So many things went through my mind. My feelings were incredibly hurt and I was devestated. Talk about a blow to your already less than pristine self image. I had every opportunity to give up but instead I got stubborn. :) Those of you who know me know that I don't often back down from a challenge and I'll bend over backward to make accomplish something I've set my mind to. I hired a personal trainer and worked for 3 months at 2x/week in the gym and at home in addition to that. I gained 5 pounds. Instead of giving up again I was angry. I hated my body and had a hard time understanding why my body would not cooperate with weight loss and with getting pregnant. I made the decision that my weight was NOT going to prevent me from the deepest desire of my heart and in November of 2010 I had a vertical sleeve gastronomy done. 3 months after the surgery I started with a new OBGYN.
Then comes Andy. He changed my life. I knew from our very first date that this was going to be the man that I was going to marry. He charmed me, wooed me, and loved me for me. He truly is my best friend and my soul mate.
We married in the summer of 2009 and immediately started trying to start a family. As I was 28 and fixin on 29 we were anxious to get started. We both married as we were older and knew that we wanted a family right away.
After 6 months of not being successful we sought help from a local OBGYN. I was immediately given a low dose of Clomid without any testing. I took Clomid for one cycle and was not monitored. I was given no information about the medication side effects so you can imagine my surprise when I ended up in the ER with hyper-stimulated and in incredible pain. Many tests later and 900 miles away from home and my OBGYN I was told to rest and be very careful not to do too much so I could avoid losing an ovary. As you can imagine this was all very traumatic and I was left hurting not only physically but emotionally. I was scared and confused not really understanding why I was going through all of this.
That was when I decided I was going to take control of my infertility decisions. I was going to become informed and ensure that I educated myself on infertilty and treatments and my options. When I made that decision I unconsciously made the decision to push God to the backburner and rely on myself to "fix" my fertility issues.
When we got back to Texas from visiting my family my husband and I talked to a friend and his wife who had infertility treatments in Houston. We made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrynologist right away and went to see her. This doctor ran several tests and stated that physically everything looked great with the exception of my weight. My husband's test all came back great. When she sat us down she told me that I was too fat for her to help me get pregnant. She told me that I was not healthy enough and she would not help me get pregnant until I had lost weight.
As you can imagine this was crushing. So many things went through my mind. My feelings were incredibly hurt and I was devestated. Talk about a blow to your already less than pristine self image. I had every opportunity to give up but instead I got stubborn. :) Those of you who know me know that I don't often back down from a challenge and I'll bend over backward to make accomplish something I've set my mind to. I hired a personal trainer and worked for 3 months at 2x/week in the gym and at home in addition to that. I gained 5 pounds. Instead of giving up again I was angry. I hated my body and had a hard time understanding why my body would not cooperate with weight loss and with getting pregnant. I made the decision that my weight was NOT going to prevent me from the deepest desire of my heart and in November of 2010 I had a vertical sleeve gastronomy done. 3 months after the surgery I started with a new OBGYN.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
God Is In The Small Stuff
Over the past few weeks I've been doing a lot of praying and thinking and thinking and praying. If I were to sum it all up it would be best to say that I've been learning to trust God all over again. I've really found that going through the infertility process that it is also a grieving process. I think it's fair to say that I've been grieving for the past 2.5 years. With every negative pregnancy test came a crashing suffocating depression that literally threatened to overtake my entire existence. During those times I truly believed that God had abandoned me. How could He possibly give me this HUGE desire of my heart to not only deny me, but deny me every single month for 2.5 years? That was where I was at until a few weeks ago. I was angry, sad, depressed, emotional, stressed, overeating, and felt like I was going crazy. I was bogged down by so many burdens that I was no longer living my life but was slowly dying inside. Instead of reaching out to Him I went into fix mode. I tried everything I could think of and afford to try and "fix" my infertility issues. I don't know about you but I'm a fixer. If it can be fixed I'm going to do my best to try. Even to my own detriment.
Can I tell you an exact moment when that changed? Nope. What I can tell you is that I was tired. I was tired of trying to rack my brain for what I had done to deserve this punishment. I was tired of trying a million different medications that made me cry every three seconds, gain weight, and then go through it all for nothing. I had misplaced faith. I'm not saying that I can't trust my doctor to know what she is doing and to do it well. What I am saying is having NO faith in God to provide for ALL my needs and my hearts desires is not a good place to be. I was really struggling with being completely exhausted and irritable toward everyone. I had an extremely low tolerance for anything that got on my nerves which at the time was EVERYTHING! I was to the point that I thought I needed to seek professional help.
I spent a lot of time on my knees just crying out to God. The answer I got was not one I was terrifically thrilled with but I was desperate to have relief. God told me, "Celina, be still." For those of you that know me you know that being quiet and being still is just about impossible for me. For the past several years I've always going going going never slowing down and rarely doing so to enjoy God. So, being still and learning to enjoy God and trust Him all over again seemed like an impossible thing. After years of trusting myself (you see how far that has gotten me) it was hard to let go of that control. I opened my Bible and just asked God to speak to me. I was drawn to 1 Samuel and there I was reminded of the story of Hannah.
It would be easy for people to read the story of Hannah and only see the happy ending for her. When I read her story I see a kindred spirit. I see a woman who suffered and struggled with her barenness year after year. I learned that not everything bad in life has come from Satan. God has a greater purpose for our struggles and our suffering. When I read about Hannah I not only saw that truth reflected in her life but my own as well! God is the giver of life but He is also the giver of purpose FOR my life. I was stunned when I read this and understood it in my heart. I know that to have such a deep and consuming desire to have a child of my own body is not something that God takes lightly. I learned that God has a plan and a purpose for me and it is all in HIS time and not my own. Does my heart still bleed with the desire to bear children? Absolutely. Do I still feel alone and abandonded? Absolutely not.
When I finally was still and quiet before God I found that He has been listening to me pour my heart out to Him all these years. I just hadn't given Him a chance to get a word in edgewise.
So, what's next? Whatever God leads me to. I'm open and want to focus on trusting Him and His will for my life. His plan and purpose for me will top my own a million times over. It's about time I let Him work. <3
Can I tell you an exact moment when that changed? Nope. What I can tell you is that I was tired. I was tired of trying to rack my brain for what I had done to deserve this punishment. I was tired of trying a million different medications that made me cry every three seconds, gain weight, and then go through it all for nothing. I had misplaced faith. I'm not saying that I can't trust my doctor to know what she is doing and to do it well. What I am saying is having NO faith in God to provide for ALL my needs and my hearts desires is not a good place to be. I was really struggling with being completely exhausted and irritable toward everyone. I had an extremely low tolerance for anything that got on my nerves which at the time was EVERYTHING! I was to the point that I thought I needed to seek professional help.
I spent a lot of time on my knees just crying out to God. The answer I got was not one I was terrifically thrilled with but I was desperate to have relief. God told me, "Celina, be still." For those of you that know me you know that being quiet and being still is just about impossible for me. For the past several years I've always going going going never slowing down and rarely doing so to enjoy God. So, being still and learning to enjoy God and trust Him all over again seemed like an impossible thing. After years of trusting myself (you see how far that has gotten me) it was hard to let go of that control. I opened my Bible and just asked God to speak to me. I was drawn to 1 Samuel and there I was reminded of the story of Hannah.
It would be easy for people to read the story of Hannah and only see the happy ending for her. When I read her story I see a kindred spirit. I see a woman who suffered and struggled with her barenness year after year. I learned that not everything bad in life has come from Satan. God has a greater purpose for our struggles and our suffering. When I read about Hannah I not only saw that truth reflected in her life but my own as well! God is the giver of life but He is also the giver of purpose FOR my life. I was stunned when I read this and understood it in my heart. I know that to have such a deep and consuming desire to have a child of my own body is not something that God takes lightly. I learned that God has a plan and a purpose for me and it is all in HIS time and not my own. Does my heart still bleed with the desire to bear children? Absolutely. Do I still feel alone and abandonded? Absolutely not.
When I finally was still and quiet before God I found that He has been listening to me pour my heart out to Him all these years. I just hadn't given Him a chance to get a word in edgewise.
So, what's next? Whatever God leads me to. I'm open and want to focus on trusting Him and His will for my life. His plan and purpose for me will top my own a million times over. It's about time I let Him work. <3
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