Finding Rest Knowing Heaven Is Our Beloved Babies Home

The past two weeks have been particulary challenging.  I found myself seeking ways to distract myself from the uncertainty and the pain of our loss and the potential loss of our second miracle.  I kept praying and crying out to God but I felt like I had too many distractions taking away from precious time to grow in my relationship with my Abba Father.  So, for a week I went on a "distraction" diet.  No Facebook, No Pinteres, No Television.  Just me and God.  In this week of meditation and quiet times with my Lord I learned a great deal about myself.  My doubts, my insecurities, my sins, and my confidence.  I hope that through our trials God can touch the hearts of others going through similar struggles or even just their own personal trials even if they are not similar circumstances. 

Sometimes I think I get in the habit of trying to be strong.  I feel this particulary compelling urge when I am at work even though I am surrounded by those that love and support me.  Sometimes I tell people I'm fine or I act like I am fine even when I'm not.  Mostly because I so badly WANT to be fine.  Or even hope that by saying I'm fine, eventually I will be.  I have found myself these past weeks even telling God I am fine and putting up walls around my heart hoping to "convince" God (who knows me more intimately than I know myself) that I am fine.

I realized that if I only show God the surface of me that I will never experience the intimacy I long for and the acceptance and security that only God offers.  God so desperately wants me to come close and experience Him and all that He has for me.  He wants me to go below my surface and ask Him to show me WHY I want what I want.  He showed me that I need to ask if what I want is what I really need. 

My Abba Father knows my pain, fears, doubts, and disappointments.  He more than anyone understands my dreams and desires.  Jesus is the only One who can meet my deepest needs.

In our journey to be parents, I have felt inadequate, like a failure as a woman, insecure, and heartbroken time and again.  God has shown me these past weeks that I am not worthy of His love and that I can never do anything to deserve it.  He showed me that I am worth His love because He chose to give it to me.  I am HIS!!  I am clinging to this promise because God's love is perfect that means I don't have to be.

Psalm 36:7  "How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!  People take refuge in the shadow of Your wings."

Hebrews 10:35-36 "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised."


Today, we found out that we lost our second baby.  We are broken hearted but we are being picked up and carried by our Abba Father.  He is bringing us peace in moments where we begin to think we will never find it.  He is strengthening us and growing us through this refining fire.  He is loving us and cherishing us.  He is sobbing with us when our tears seems never ending.  And even through all of this; I am so thankful.  We knew our precious babies for a short time, but they were gifted to us all the same.  We loved them, cherished them, dreamed for them, and now we mourn them.  But what joy we have that they are being held in our Abba Father's arms.  They just have Heaven before we do. 

 

Samuel Joshua Hawthorne and Mercy Leigh Ann Hawthorne were given  to us and then taken away to a better home than we could've given them.  Having the knowledge that we will see them one day is so comforting.  I can imagine our little girl singing with the angels just like her Mama loves and our little boy sitting on the lap of Jesus engrossed in His love and power.  Thank you Father God for our gifts and thank you for loving us and choosing us to be Your children.  Please be near to us these next few weeks and continue to cradle us in Your arms as we grieve and become strengthened in You.  <3