Thursday, March 20, 2014

Dean Griff Hawthorne

I am officially a horrible blogger.  LOL!  Life has a way of getting crazy at the most unexpected times and the past few months have been exactly that!  CRAZY! 

I am officially 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant today with our miracle.....BOY!  I knew from the beginning we were having a boy.  I had many a doubter but Mama's intuition proved to be right!  Our sweet boy is due August 2 and I am conflicted between wanting to have him in my arms right this second and wanting this pregnancy to last forever. 

My first trimester I was pretty sick and lost 26lbs between being sick and not having an appetite.  And I wouldn't change one moment of it for the world!  Although, losing our second sweet miracle has been a hard challenge for my heart to overcome.  Hearing twin pregnancy announcements still brings up an overwhelming sadness in my heart.  I am so thankful for our precious Dean and the incredible miracle and blessing he is to us.  But my Mama's heart cannot help but miss my sweet angels in Heaven. 

My second trimester has been absolutely wonderful.  My appetite has returned and I have to date gained back 8 of the 26lbs lost.  Words cannot describe how amazing it has been to watch my body grow and change.  Feeling Dean move for the first time has been the BEST part of this pregnancy.  I just sat and cried tears of pure unadulterated joy for the miracle of it. 

Dean has become so incredibly active the past few days.  I have stayed awake all night the past two nights just reveling in his movements.  The sheer miracle that he is humbles me so very much.  I am so thankful to our Abba Father for blessing us with more than we deserve.

I am thankful for every moment of this journey no matter how broken I was, how many times our hearts shattered, how broken my body became, or how much suffering we endured.  All of those experiences have grown us in our faith, our marriage, and our strength of character.  Throughout this journey I have survived off so many scriptures but Romans 5:1-5 has been truly a scripture that anchors me when all else fails.

Romans 5:1-5  "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

I really want to encourage anyone who is reading my blog and who is still struggling with your infertility journey to continue to have faith.  Your journey will not be easy.  God never promised us that.  But He has promised us that there is always hope.  Please read my story and be encouraged in God's faithfulness to His children.  He is good.  Especially in the midst of your storm.  <3

Here are some bump pictures!  I wanted to remember God's faithfulness and the miracle pregnancy He has given us in a special way.  I hope you enjoy!  Be blessed!!

Friday, January 10, 2014

And Two Became One

God is so good.  Even in the midst of trials and tribulations, He remains constant.  I have waited to post this blog for several reasons.  We were unsure for several weeks what the outcome of our children would be.  It has been a hard experience.  We also were hurting and needed time to let our hearts heal.  I personally needed time to address my fears and anxieties.  I needed time to lay them before the Lord and really give them to Him as much as I am capable of right now. 

Here is our update:

Kinda hard to see but here you can see both of our sweet babies.  What an incredible blessing.  My heart soared to see this picture.  And my heart instantly fell madly in love with these miracles.  Both of them.

Around 7 weeks we noticed Baby B (on the right) was shadowy and there began to be concern about his health.  Considering our past experiences, my heart fell.  Nothing, NOTHING, can accurately describe the heartbreak that a mother feels when she is at risk for losing one of her children. 

By week 8 our sweet miracle of Baby B had gone to Heaven to wait for us there.  Even though Baby B was gone his gestational sac continued to grow.  And grow.  His sac actually got bigger than Baby A's sac at one point.  It has been heart wrenching to have ultrasounds twice a week and continue to be reminded of your loss time and time again.  And for as much as I prayed for his sac to be reabsorbed instead of me passing it; the thought of never seeing it again threw my heart into a panic.

I am in tears as I write this.  I have desperately tried to stay strong and positive for Baby A through all this.  In fact, today is the first day that I have allowed myself to grieve and cry for our lost child. Please, do not misunderstand.  I am thrilled that Baby A is thriving and growing and developing perfectly.  But I almost feel torn in two.  Sometimes it feels like if I actually grieve for Baby B that I'm "cheating" on Baby A.  And when I don't grieve for Baby B it feels like I am dishonoring the miracle that was given to us, even for such a short time. 

It is hard for me to hear of other's twin miracles without feeling heartbroken all over again for the loss of our precious baby.  Thankfully, God is good.  And He continually provides for me when I feel heartbroken and sad.  He reminds me of the beautiful miracle that we still have and He renews His mercy and grace for me every day.  Now THAT is a miracle. 

Baby Hawthorne (formerly Baby A) is now 10 weeks and 6 days.  He is doing amazingly well!  I don't know that he is a boy I just have a "feeling".  LOL!  Of course, with a consistent 183 heart rate we are very likely to be blessed with a girl!!  Either of which are perfect for us!

Every time we do an ultrasound we see him moving ALL OVER the place!  Some of the videos we have are absolutely amazing!!  And I will cherish them forever! 
I had my first OBGYN appointment this past Wednesday and he's thrilled for us.  We are blessed to have such an amazing doctor and nurse who genuinely care for us and our child.  And just as important, that shares our faith.  Everything looks perfect!  I am being weaned off of my PIO, oral progesterone, estrogen, and patches!  I should be all done by Monday!  Yay!!  And Nay!  LOL!  I am working on this whole give your anxieties to God thing.  It's a work in progress! ;-)
So, our last appointment with our RE is on Tuesday at 8am.  It will be a hard visit for me as I've become incredibly attached to our nurse who truly has to be THE most AMAZING fertility clinic nurse I've ever had.  She always patiently answers my questions and calms my fears when they surface.  We want to do something special for her and I'm having to get creative this week. 
In other super fun news, I am an aunt again.  I just have to give props to her on this post because I love her so much!  Quinn Marie (named after her amazing Aunt - not just me but I'm claiming it!!) walked straight into my heart the day she was born!  LOVE that baby girl!!

 I will be more diligent to update our blog now that we have a more stable pregnancy.  Thank ya'll for all your love and prayers throughout the years!  Keep them coming!  <3

Monday, December 9, 2013

We Needed A Miracle. He Provided.

Ya'll know our story.  If you don't then I highly recommend reading our story on this blog.  Andy and I have suffered through years of IF treatments (medications, triggers, monitoring), years of IVF cycles (injectable medications, thousands of needles, 60lbs in weight gain, and many, many failures), and we have survived the unimaginable loss of so many of our babies (we will have an army of children waiting for us in Heaven). 

 Andy and I after all this time have been blessed with another pregnancy.  We are so happy and yet cautious thanks to our past losses.  We found out for we were pregnant after our latest IVF cycle on 11-17-13 on 3DPT!!  I couldn't believe it.  When I saw that faint blue line after 3DPT I honestly thought it was just my heart wanting to see it.  Then at 4DPT it was there and darker!  I photo bombed some of my best friends in this amazing infertility community I have come to love so much.  And sure enough, I was not crazy or a victim of wishful thinking. 

In saying that.... Just because you GET pregnant does not mean that you are automatically in the clear.  My body LOVES to be pregnant.  In fact, it has been pregnant many, many times.  But the pregnancies have not lasted and most have been problematic from the start. 

This pregnancy started out well as far as HCG levels.  That in and of itself is a HUGE hurtle for us.  We have never had "normal" HCG levels come back to us no matter the pregnancies.  Until now.  And then... it happened.  Disaster.  On our second beta we only moved 40 points and my progesterone tanked from 40+ to 16.  I was devastated.  Words cannot express the heartbreak I was experiencing.  All I could think of was NOT AGAIN!!  Please, Lord, not again.

On our 3rd hcg and first ultrasound we saw the most beautiful sight.  Not only did we not miscarry.  We had TWO beautiful miracles that God had given us despite all odds! 


God is so good.  He did this for us.  It seemed as though all was lost and He provided for us.  I cannot say it enough.  I have never had anything so tiny make such a huge dent in my heart. 

My numbers have consistently risen appropriately since and we have seen good progress in the growth of the babies as well.  However, that being said Baby B's (on the right) yolk sac isn't quite as defined as Baby A's.  Which they told me was normal for twins.


At our ultrasound today, we got to see and hear Baby A's heartbeat.  It was so incredibly amazing.  Andy and I cried so hard.  We have never seen our baby's heartbeats.  Until today.  What a tremendous blessing.  And an amazing answer to prayer.  Baby B is still behind and while they see great growth and definition in the gestation sac, the yolk sac is still shadowy and hard to nail down.  We are praying and believing that Baby B is hiding in my retroverted uterus.  It is still incredibly early as I am only 6 weeks 2 days pregnant and we are claiming BOTH of our babies!!  God did this for us and He will not abandon us now.  I will continually pray for them and believe for them and claim them for the rest of their lives.  God is so good.  You can see Baby B more clearly in our second picture that I took from our Ultrasound video today.

Here is Baby A's heartbeat!!!


Sometimes, when you least expect it, God shows up and shows out.  After years of suffering from infertility and miscarriage it is so incredibly easy to become jaded, bitter, depressed, doubtful, hopeless and just plain negative about your circumstances. 

In the dark times; it takes every bit of strength and energy you have just to survive from day to day.  Even in good times it takes every bit of strength, faith, perseverance, prayers, energy, and every last bit of your heart to remember that for the moment....things are okay.  It's hard to fight off fear and anxiety when you have spent years, endless finances and so much of your heart invested in your dream of parenthood.  I know many of you have the scars on your knees just like we do.  Scars from begging God to give you the miracle you so desperately need.  Yes, need. 

A friend from Church gave me this scripture to claim over our pregnancy, our babies, and our future family.  Exodus 23:26  "There shall be no one miscarrying or barren in your land; I will fulfill the number of your days."  I am claiming it.  We will not miscarry.  Either baby.  We will no longer be barren.  We will have these beautiful, healthy babies in our arms. 

Thank you Lord for this amazing gift.  Father God, in Your word you say that those of us who wait upon You will renew our strength.  That we will mount up with wings as eagles, we will run and not be weary, we will walk and not faint.  Thank You for being our Jehovah Jireh, Our God who provides.  Thank you for giving us the miracle of these babies even when it seemed all was lost.  You did this Lord.  You deserve all the honor and praise.

Abba Father, I still have a lot of friends suffering from a barren land as we have for so very long.  I humbly come to You, Jehovah Rapha, Our Healer, asking that You touch their lives in a mighty way.  That you move in their lives, in their fertility, in their hopes and dreams so that they can know rest in You.  I love you, Lord.  Thank you for loving me.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

My Lighthouse

One of my favorite songs growing up as a child was called "The Lighthouse".  It was my Mama's favorite song.  So when I was old enough, I began to sing the song as a special at Church.  Some of the lyrics really hit home to me this week as I have struggled with this sorrow that is so all consuming. 

There's a Lighthouse on the hillside
That overlooks life's sea
And when I'm tossed about
He sends out a light
So I might see
And the Light that shines in my darkness now
Will safely lead me home
If it wasn't for the Lighthouse
This ship would be no more.

It's amazing to me how I went numb after I lost our babies.  I was afraid to feel too much because I was terrified I wouldn't survive the pain.  My natural, rote instincts kicked in and I proceeded to go through the motions of daily life.  Slowly, the darkness crept in.  Until suddenly, I was surrounded by it.  Being blinded by the sorrow and the mourning of the future we had planned with our twins. 

I prayed, I studied my Word, I cried out to God, I sat quiet before Him, I desperately clung to keeping busy.  I started to wake up crying every morning.  Crying on the way to work.  Crying when one of my sweet, kind hearted patients asks if I have children.  Crying driving home from work.  Crying going to bed at night.  Some days I didn't even know what I was specifically crying about.  Before I knew it; my little nuances in life were suddenly tremendous mountains.  My ability to cope with something as simple as someone else helping my MIL broke me.  I was in the middle of a total meltdown.  I sat at the table full of family who loves me and ignored everyone of them for fear that I would lose it in front of them.  I couldn't eat because I didn't want to participate in their happiness.  Didn't they know I was BROKEN?!?!  Needless to say the lunch lasted about 20 minutes when my loving incredible husband took me home.  Once there I curled up into a little ball begging God to call me to my Heaven Home.  I had enough.  I couldn't stand the pain, the emptiness left in my soul from the loss of my children. 

After calming down and being still before God I realized that I need help.  I cannot do this on my own.  The only One who can piece me back together is God.  I went to see my doctors and even made an appointment with a Christian counselor.  But do you want to know what helped the most?

I reached out to my Pastor.  I explained how I was feeling.  He told me just as my doctor did that I am not in fact a crazy person and that I need to allow myself to grieve.  God has shown me that it's okay if not everyone understands my pain.  What matters is communication.  I have to have the courage to say, "I'm not okay and I need my prayer warriors to surround me in prayer". 

And I do so desperately need my prayer warriors to step up and surround me in prayer.  Specifically that God will piece back together all the tiny shards of my broken heart that even I cannot see.  Pray that God will give me a new measure of peace everyday so that I can rest in His presence.  Pray that His light will continue to shine through my darkness until I am blinded by His love and can take back my joy! 

Psalm 139:13-16 is amazing and this is the prayer I am praying over myself:

Abba, You formed every part of me and wove me together in my mama's womb.  Please help me to remember that I am a beautiful creation exactly how You made me to be.  To hate myself or think myself a failure because my body has not fulfilled my desires means that You are a failure.  You never make mistakes Abba.  You never fail.  Help me to know in my soul that I am Your beautiful creation regardless of my current barenness.  <3

Friday, October 19, 2012

Being Held

Hello Sweet Friends!  It's been several weeks since my last post.  Life has certainly changed for us.  Trying to overcome all the challenges that we have faced since our miscarriage has been really hard.  For me personally, I continue to struggle every day with the loss of our precious miracles.  I do my very best to stay strong and stay centered in God's Word, but the grief hits me on a daily basis.  Some days are better than others.  I never forget them.  Not for one second.  I grieve their loss and I mourn the future we had planned for them.  It hurts my heart every time I walk into our back bedroom we had planned for their nursery. 

I try to hide my broken heart from everyone because I don't want to seem weak and weepy all the time.  I don't always succeed and that is when God reminds me of His scripture:

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  2 Corinthians 12:9

I'm realizing it's okay to tell people that I'm hurting.  It's okay to cry.  It's okay to mourn our loss and our plans for their future.  It's okay to be weak.  It's during my weakness that God can really work.  This is what it means to held by my Abba Father. 

I don't know God's plan for us.  I don't know if our dream of having our own children will ever be our reality.  But I do know that whatever I face; whatever mountain gets in my way; whatever heartbreak hits me; that God is holding me and loving through every moment.  <3

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Finding Rest Knowing Heaven Is Our Beloved Babies Home

The past two weeks have been particulary challenging.  I found myself seeking ways to distract myself from the uncertainty and the pain of our loss and the potential loss of our second miracle.  I kept praying and crying out to God but I felt like I had too many distractions taking away from precious time to grow in my relationship with my Abba Father.  So, for a week I went on a "distraction" diet.  No Facebook, No Pinteres, No Television.  Just me and God.  In this week of meditation and quiet times with my Lord I learned a great deal about myself.  My doubts, my insecurities, my sins, and my confidence.  I hope that through our trials God can touch the hearts of others going through similar struggles or even just their own personal trials even if they are not similar circumstances. 

Sometimes I think I get in the habit of trying to be strong.  I feel this particulary compelling urge when I am at work even though I am surrounded by those that love and support me.  Sometimes I tell people I'm fine or I act like I am fine even when I'm not.  Mostly because I so badly WANT to be fine.  Or even hope that by saying I'm fine, eventually I will be.  I have found myself these past weeks even telling God I am fine and putting up walls around my heart hoping to "convince" God (who knows me more intimately than I know myself) that I am fine.

I realized that if I only show God the surface of me that I will never experience the intimacy I long for and the acceptance and security that only God offers.  God so desperately wants me to come close and experience Him and all that He has for me.  He wants me to go below my surface and ask Him to show me WHY I want what I want.  He showed me that I need to ask if what I want is what I really need. 

My Abba Father knows my pain, fears, doubts, and disappointments.  He more than anyone understands my dreams and desires.  Jesus is the only One who can meet my deepest needs.

In our journey to be parents, I have felt inadequate, like a failure as a woman, insecure, and heartbroken time and again.  God has shown me these past weeks that I am not worthy of His love and that I can never do anything to deserve it.  He showed me that I am worth His love because He chose to give it to me.  I am HIS!!  I am clinging to this promise because God's love is perfect that means I don't have to be.

Psalm 36:7  "How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!  People take refuge in the shadow of Your wings."

Hebrews 10:35-36 "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised."

Today, we found out that we lost our second baby.  We are broken hearted but we are being picked up and carried by our Abba Father.  He is bringing us peace in moments where we begin to think we will never find it.  He is strengthening us and growing us through this refining fire.  He is loving us and cherishing us.  He is sobbing with us when our tears seems never ending.  And even through all of this; I am so thankful.  We knew our precious babies for a short time, but they were gifted to us all the same.  We loved them, cherished them, dreamed for them, and now we mourn them.  But what joy we have that they are being held in our Abba Father's arms.  They just have Heaven before we do. 

Samuel Joshua Hawthorne and Mercy Leigh Ann Hawthorne were given  to us and then taken away to a better home than we could've given them.  Having the knowledge that we will see them one day is so comforting.  I can imagine our little girl singing with the angels just like her Mama loves and our little boy sitting on the lap of Jesus engrossed in His love and power.  Thank you Father God for our gifts and thank you for loving us and choosing us to be Your children.  Please be near to us these next few weeks and continue to cradle us in Your arms as we grieve and become strengthened in You.  <3

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

When I Fall Down... He Carries Me

Hello sweet friends!  So much has changed since my last post!  Let me start from the very beginning so you can see just how amazing God has been to us!

Andy and myself decided after much prayer and seeking God's will for our lives that we would try an IVF cycle to try and get pregnant.  We started injectable medications on June 29, 2012.  I was anxious about giving myself injections.  For those of you that know me you know that I am a needle whuss of the biggest proportions.  With much prayer and holding my breath I was able to make it through all my injections problem free.  I did not respond well  to the medications initially so my doctor ended up increasing my medications as well as extending my stimulation time.  Thankfully we were able to stimulate 8 follicles.  Retrieval went well and 11 eggs were harvested.  7 of our 11 eggs were fertilized and became our sweet babies in waiting.  We had a 5 day embryo transfer with 2 sweet embryos. 

Here is where our IVF story begins to become hard.  After 4 days of bed rest I was feeling incredibly blessed.  I began some mild cramping which after several calls to my doctor I found was a really positive sign of our babies implanting.  I had not yet heard about our other 5 little babies in waiting (fertilized eggs) after bed rest and I began to be concerned.  I called my doctor's office only to be told "they have been disposed of."  My heart broke.  None of them survived and no one called to tell me and when I asked I was told they had been thrown out with the trash.  I really had to get on my knees and seek God's love and peace.  I had to rely on God reminding me that He will never leave me nor forsake me.  I loved and continue to love each and every one of those little angels and they are being held in my Abba's arms.  No better place to be, but my heart still hurt.

We took a blood test to see if we were pregnant on July 31 and found out that we were pregnant!  It was one of the best days of our lives.  I had left work a little early as I didn't have any patients to treat and was on egg shells waiting for the call.  I collapsed on the ground in our living room and cried and cried before I reminded myself that my husband and our parents needed to hear the good news.  As you can imagine everyone was thrilled.  We announced it from the stage at Church that Wed and just praised God from sun up til sun down.  2 days after our initial blood test the doctor said that my HCG level was too low and that he believed we were having an ectopic pregnancy.  On Monday the 6th of August we saw our beautiful twin gestational sacs on an ultrasound.  The doctor seeing me that day (I never had the same doctor or nurse) was cautiously optimistic and said she would see us in a week.  Later that day we got a call asking us to come back in on the 8th for another blood draw and ultrasound.  That was one of the worst days of our journey.  My husband was unable to come with me and as we thought everything was fine we didn't see the need.  My mother-in-law was wonderful and drove down with me; however, I was in the exam room alone.  

The nurse did an ultrasound and then immediately said she needed to get a doctor.  The doctor came in and did another ultrasound and then proceeded to tell me that our pregnancy was not viable and that I needed to make the decision to terminate our pregnancy by taking a medication that would force my body into a miscarriage.  All I could do was cry while laying on that table.  I have never felt so sad in all my life.  I just started to praying and crying out to God in my heart begging Him to save me from the despair I was feeling.  The doctor kept telling me he was sorry to have to tell me and kept rubbing my leg.  I was numb on the outside and screaming on the inside.  I told them that I needed time and they left me alone in the exam room to have some privacy.  I got dressed and begged God to help me hold it together until I could get to the car.  I envisioned all the women out in the waiting room possibly waiting for good news and I didn't want to   bring them any anxiety by seeing me have a meltdown in the waiting room.  I slipped by the doctors and nurses relatively unnoticed and walked toward my mother-in-law.  I didn't stop because I knew my breakdown was coming and I couldn't stop it but I motioned to her.  I thought I would die waiting for the elevator.  She wanted to know what was wrong and I broke.  I did not want to tell her that our babies were lost.  I was so confused.  I told her what the doctor said and when we reached the car I lost it.  I think we sat there for nearly 30 minutes while I sobbed.  I had never felt more broken in my life.  Again, I begged God.  I questioned Him.  I praised Him for allowing us to get this far.  And then I begged Him some more.  We were 3 hours away from home and my mother-in-law had never driven the route in/out of Houston.  Here I was heartbroken, a hot mess, crushed, and just sad and I had to drive us out of Houston.  Let me tell you friends, God has His angels around us because I drove us out of Houston crying hysterically the entire time.  That is the moment that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God picked me up and carried me when I couldn't continue in my own strength. 

When I arrived home Andy was such a tremendous support for me.  When my emotions took over and all I could was cry out to Jesus; God spoke to Andy's heart and he listened.  Andy didn't believe God was calling us to abort our pregnancy.  So I called my local OBGYN and had my 3rd ultrasound of the day.  My OB said that he did not see what my other doctor saw and he supported us in waiting to see what God was going to do for our pregnancy- BOTH of our babies.  He said everything was measuring normally according to his standards and we were elated!  God had given us the miracle we had been begging Him for! 

On August 14th while at work I began bleeding heavily.  I called Andy and then the doctor and we went immediately to be checked.  He said he couldn't say what would happen but diagnosed me with threatened miscarriage.  We went home and about 3 hours later I passed one of our twins.  I was terrified and once again cried out to God for peace and understanding.  The next day we went in for another ultrasound and praise God one of our little miracles was still there.  Doctor said the sac looked better than it had the day before and while he was sad for us he was also optimistic about our pregnancy with our remaining baby.  Please understand that during all this we had stopped communicating with my doctor in Houston as they had tried to force an abortion on us.  We went away feeling once again precious hope and tentative joy. 

On August 18th I began bleeding again and went to the ER.  My gestation sac had grown and did not seem to be in distress; however, the doctors were still unable to see a fetal pole or heartbeat.  The doctor put me on a week's bed rest until I could see my OB for another US to check the baby.  August 23rd we went for another ultrasound and once again the doctor could not see our baby.  He was concerned about a blighted ovum.  That is a condition in which the embryo implants and begins to grow; however, the baby does not survive and the body continues on with pregnancy not recognizing that the baby miscarried.  Once again, I felt so defeated.  As you can imagine at this point I am tired.  My heart is bruised and battered.  I feel like my whole world has been ripped apart and been pieced back together too many times.  As we were leaving the exam room our OB stopped us and said he just didn't feel positive about that diagnosis and that he completely supports us waiting for 2 more weeks to give God time to work and pray for a miracle. 

So, this is where I am right now.  We are in the two week waiting period to see how God is going to work this scary, heartbreaking situation for His glory.  How am I?  I have good days and bad days.  I have days that I cry at random times just overwhelmed with grief and I have days filled with joy in God's promise to us.  I have days where my trust and faith in my Abba father is strong and I have days where it is weak and barely discernible.  I have days filled with depression and sadness, and I have days filled with a measure of peace and love from God. 

I can't tell you the outcome of our journey and our precious miracle.  What I can tell you is how God has already worked in our lives.  My husband and I are closer to God than we have ever been.  Our relationships with God and with each other have reached new and higher levels.  I have seen in the present God's hand in the lives (short or long as they have been or may be) of our children.  I have felt God's arms carry me when I have fallen time and time again.  I have seen family relationships being repaired and restored through the trials and tribulations we have suffered and continue to suffer.  I have seen God bring glory to His kingdom through our story.  I have seen God bring me Godly friends and a Church family that have supported us and loved us through our journey. 

I am not a perfect person.  I am far from in fact.  Most of the time I feel like I am not even worth God's blessings and His mercy.  I am so thankful for all He has done for us.  I praise His name for gifting us the precious miracles for whatever time God has planned.  I praise Him for growing and molding me through these trials.  I praise Him for all the blessings we have outside of our pregnancy.  I praise Him for loving me in spite of all my faults, flaws, failings, and sins.  I praise Him for His grace to get through these next days minute by minute.  I am nothing without Him and His strength is made perfect in my weakness. 

For all our struggles and heartbreak I would not change the circumstances.  My God is bigger, stronger, and higher than any other.  That will not change if He gifts us with babies now or later.  I will still continue to love Him and praise Him.  I may be broken, but God can do SO much with the brokenhearted. 

Romans 5:1-5 says, "Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only so, but we glory in tribulation also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience , experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."

Here are some prayers from Beth Moore's Praying God's Word:

You, Lord, are close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18) You are surely so close to me, Lord.  Help me to sense Your presence in my life.  I need You more than I need the next breath.

Lord, after this suffering, let it be said that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel.  As a result, make my Savior clear to all those around me.  Because of my suffering and willing perseverance, cause others to be encouraged to speak the Word of God more courageously and fearlessly.  (Phillipians 1:12-14)

My Favorite says:  Help me, Lord, to finally comprehend what it means to consider it pure joy whenever I face trials of many kinds.  Help me to know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work in me so that I may mature and complete, lacking nothing.  (James 1:2-4)  Lord, You are not asking me to rejoice that I have lost someone or something precious but You know that, in my loss I can rejoice in all I have to gain if I am willing.  Never must my suffering be in vain.

You say to me, Lord, My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Your power may rest on me.  (2 Corinthians 12:9)

If this post reaches even one heart to see the love of God or to see His glory manifested in the life of a weak, hurting, broken woman then all of our suffering has been worth it.  It doesn't make it easier but it makes it worth it.