When I Fall Down... He Carries Me

Hello sweet friends!  So much has changed since my last post!  Let me start from the very beginning so you can see just how amazing God has been to us!

Andy and myself decided after much prayer and seeking God's will for our lives that we would try an IVF cycle to try and get pregnant.  We started injectable medications on June 29, 2012.  I was anxious about giving myself injections.  For those of you that know me you know that I am a needle whuss of the biggest proportions.  With much prayer and holding my breath I was able to make it through all my injections problem free.  I did not respond well  to the medications initially so my doctor ended up increasing my medications as well as extending my stimulation time.  Thankfully we were able to stimulate 8 follicles.  Retrieval went well and 11 eggs were harvested.  7 of our 11 eggs were fertilized and became our sweet babies in waiting.  We had a 5 day embryo transfer with 2 sweet embryos. 

Here is where our IVF story begins to become hard.  After 4 days of bed rest I was feeling incredibly blessed.  I began some mild cramping which after several calls to my doctor I found was a really positive sign of our babies implanting.  I had not yet heard about our other 5 little babies in waiting (fertilized eggs) after bed rest and I began to be concerned.  I called my doctor's office only to be told "they have been disposed of."  My heart broke.  None of them survived and no one called to tell me and when I asked I was told they had been thrown out with the trash.  I really had to get on my knees and seek God's love and peace.  I had to rely on God reminding me that He will never leave me nor forsake me.  I loved and continue to love each and every one of those little angels and they are being held in my Abba's arms.  No better place to be, but my heart still hurt.

We took a blood test to see if we were pregnant on July 31 and found out that we were pregnant!  It was one of the best days of our lives.  I had left work a little early as I didn't have any patients to treat and was on egg shells waiting for the call.  I collapsed on the ground in our living room and cried and cried before I reminded myself that my husband and our parents needed to hear the good news.  As you can imagine everyone was thrilled.  We announced it from the stage at Church that Wed and just praised God from sun up til sun down.  2 days after our initial blood test the doctor said that my HCG level was too low and that he believed we were having an ectopic pregnancy.  On Monday the 6th of August we saw our beautiful twin gestational sacs on an ultrasound.  The doctor seeing me that day (I never had the same doctor or nurse) was cautiously optimistic and said she would see us in a week.  Later that day we got a call asking us to come back in on the 8th for another blood draw and ultrasound.  That was one of the worst days of our journey.  My husband was unable to come with me and as we thought everything was fine we didn't see the need.  My mother-in-law was wonderful and drove down with me; however, I was in the exam room alone.  

The nurse did an ultrasound and then immediately said she needed to get a doctor.  The doctor came in and did another ultrasound and then proceeded to tell me that our pregnancy was not viable and that I needed to make the decision to terminate our pregnancy by taking a medication that would force my body into a miscarriage.  All I could do was cry while laying on that table.  I have never felt so sad in all my life.  I just started to praying and crying out to God in my heart begging Him to save me from the despair I was feeling.  The doctor kept telling me he was sorry to have to tell me and kept rubbing my leg.  I was numb on the outside and screaming on the inside.  I told them that I needed time and they left me alone in the exam room to have some privacy.  I got dressed and begged God to help me hold it together until I could get to the car.  I envisioned all the women out in the waiting room possibly waiting for good news and I didn't want to   bring them any anxiety by seeing me have a meltdown in the waiting room.  I slipped by the doctors and nurses relatively unnoticed and walked toward my mother-in-law.  I didn't stop because I knew my breakdown was coming and I couldn't stop it but I motioned to her.  I thought I would die waiting for the elevator.  She wanted to know what was wrong and I broke.  I did not want to tell her that our babies were lost.  I was so confused.  I told her what the doctor said and when we reached the car I lost it.  I think we sat there for nearly 30 minutes while I sobbed.  I had never felt more broken in my life.  Again, I begged God.  I questioned Him.  I praised Him for allowing us to get this far.  And then I begged Him some more.  We were 3 hours away from home and my mother-in-law had never driven the route in/out of Houston.  Here I was heartbroken, a hot mess, crushed, and just sad and I had to drive us out of Houston.  Let me tell you friends, God has His angels around us because I drove us out of Houston crying hysterically the entire time.  That is the moment that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God picked me up and carried me when I couldn't continue in my own strength. 

When I arrived home Andy was such a tremendous support for me.  When my emotions took over and all I could was cry out to Jesus; God spoke to Andy's heart and he listened.  Andy didn't believe God was calling us to abort our pregnancy.  So I called my local OBGYN and had my 3rd ultrasound of the day.  My OB said that he did not see what my other doctor saw and he supported us in waiting to see what God was going to do for our pregnancy- BOTH of our babies.  He said everything was measuring normally according to his standards and we were elated!  God had given us the miracle we had been begging Him for! 

On August 14th while at work I began bleeding heavily.  I called Andy and then the doctor and we went immediately to be checked.  He said he couldn't say what would happen but diagnosed me with threatened miscarriage.  We went home and about 3 hours later I passed one of our twins.  I was terrified and once again cried out to God for peace and understanding.  The next day we went in for another ultrasound and praise God one of our little miracles was still there.  Doctor said the sac looked better than it had the day before and while he was sad for us he was also optimistic about our pregnancy with our remaining baby.  Please understand that during all this we had stopped communicating with my doctor in Houston as they had tried to force an abortion on us.  We went away feeling once again precious hope and tentative joy. 

On August 18th I began bleeding again and went to the ER.  My gestation sac had grown and did not seem to be in distress; however, the doctors were still unable to see a fetal pole or heartbeat.  The doctor put me on a week's bed rest until I could see my OB for another US to check the baby.  August 23rd we went for another ultrasound and once again the doctor could not see our baby.  He was concerned about a blighted ovum.  That is a condition in which the embryo implants and begins to grow; however, the baby does not survive and the body continues on with pregnancy not recognizing that the baby miscarried.  Once again, I felt so defeated.  As you can imagine at this point I am tired.  My heart is bruised and battered.  I feel like my whole world has been ripped apart and been pieced back together too many times.  As we were leaving the exam room our OB stopped us and said he just didn't feel positive about that diagnosis and that he completely supports us waiting for 2 more weeks to give God time to work and pray for a miracle. 

So, this is where I am right now.  We are in the two week waiting period to see how God is going to work this scary, heartbreaking situation for His glory.  How am I?  I have good days and bad days.  I have days that I cry at random times just overwhelmed with grief and I have days filled with joy in God's promise to us.  I have days where my trust and faith in my Abba father is strong and I have days where it is weak and barely discernible.  I have days filled with depression and sadness, and I have days filled with a measure of peace and love from God. 

I can't tell you the outcome of our journey and our precious miracle.  What I can tell you is how God has already worked in our lives.  My husband and I are closer to God than we have ever been.  Our relationships with God and with each other have reached new and higher levels.  I have seen in the present God's hand in the lives (short or long as they have been or may be) of our children.  I have felt God's arms carry me when I have fallen time and time again.  I have seen family relationships being repaired and restored through the trials and tribulations we have suffered and continue to suffer.  I have seen God bring glory to His kingdom through our story.  I have seen God bring me Godly friends and a Church family that have supported us and loved us through our journey. 

I am not a perfect person.  I am far from in fact.  Most of the time I feel like I am not even worth God's blessings and His mercy.  I am so thankful for all He has done for us.  I praise His name for gifting us the precious miracles for whatever time God has planned.  I praise Him for growing and molding me through these trials.  I praise Him for all the blessings we have outside of our pregnancy.  I praise Him for loving me in spite of all my faults, flaws, failings, and sins.  I praise Him for His grace to get through these next days minute by minute.  I am nothing without Him and His strength is made perfect in my weakness. 

For all our struggles and heartbreak I would not change the circumstances.  My God is bigger, stronger, and higher than any other.  That will not change if He gifts us with babies now or later.  I will still continue to love Him and praise Him.  I may be broken, but God can do SO much with the brokenhearted. 


Romans 5:1-5 says, "Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only so, but we glory in tribulation also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience , experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."

Here are some prayers from Beth Moore's Praying God's Word:

You, Lord, are close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18) You are surely so close to me, Lord.  Help me to sense Your presence in my life.  I need You more than I need the next breath.

Lord, after this suffering, let it be said that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel.  As a result, make my Savior clear to all those around me.  Because of my suffering and willing perseverance, cause others to be encouraged to speak the Word of God more courageously and fearlessly.  (Phillipians 1:12-14)

My Favorite says:  Help me, Lord, to finally comprehend what it means to consider it pure joy whenever I face trials of many kinds.  Help me to know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work in me so that I may mature and complete, lacking nothing.  (James 1:2-4)  Lord, You are not asking me to rejoice that I have lost someone or something precious but You know that, in my loss I can rejoice in all I have to gain if I am willing.  Never must my suffering be in vain.

You say to me, Lord, My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Your power may rest on me.  (2 Corinthians 12:9)

If this post reaches even one heart to see the love of God or to see His glory manifested in the life of a weak, hurting, broken woman then all of our suffering has been worth it.  It doesn't make it easier but it makes it worth it. 

<3