Over the past few weeks I've been doing a lot of praying and thinking and thinking and praying. If I were to sum it all up it would be best to say that I've been learning to trust God all over again. I've really found that going through the infertility process that it is also a grieving process. I think it's fair to say that I've been grieving for the past 2.5 years. With every negative pregnancy test came a crashing suffocating depression that literally threatened to overtake my entire existence. During those times I truly believed that God had abandoned me. How could He possibly give me this HUGE desire of my heart to not only deny me, but deny me every single month for 2.5 years? That was where I was at until a few weeks ago. I was angry, sad, depressed, emotional, stressed, overeating, and felt like I was going crazy. I was bogged down by so many burdens that I was no longer living my life but was slowly dying inside. Instead of reaching out to Him I went into fix mode. I tried everything I could think of and afford to try and "fix" my infertility issues. I don't know about you but I'm a fixer. If it can be fixed I'm going to do my best to try. Even to my own detriment.
Can I tell you an exact moment when that changed? Nope. What I can tell you is that I was tired. I was tired of trying to rack my brain for what I had done to deserve this punishment. I was tired of trying a million different medications that made me cry every three seconds, gain weight, and then go through it all for nothing. I had misplaced faith. I'm not saying that I can't trust my doctor to know what she is doing and to do it well. What I am saying is having NO faith in God to provide for ALL my needs and my hearts desires is not a good place to be. I was really struggling with being completely exhausted and irritable toward everyone. I had an extremely low tolerance for anything that got on my nerves which at the time was EVERYTHING! I was to the point that I thought I needed to seek professional help.
I spent a lot of time on my knees just crying out to God. The answer I got was not one I was terrifically thrilled with but I was desperate to have relief. God told me, "Celina, be still." For those of you that know me you know that being quiet and being still is just about impossible for me. For the past several years I've always going going going never slowing down and rarely doing so to enjoy God. So, being still and learning to enjoy God and trust Him all over again seemed like an impossible thing. After years of trusting myself (you see how far that has gotten me) it was hard to let go of that control. I opened my Bible and just asked God to speak to me. I was drawn to 1 Samuel and there I was reminded of the story of Hannah.
It would be easy for people to read the story of Hannah and only see the happy ending for her. When I read her story I see a kindred spirit. I see a woman who suffered and struggled with her barenness year after year. I learned that not everything bad in life has come from Satan. God has a greater purpose for our struggles and our suffering. When I read about Hannah I not only saw that truth reflected in her life but my own as well! God is the giver of life but He is also the giver of purpose FOR my life. I was stunned when I read this and understood it in my heart. I know that to have such a deep and consuming desire to have a child of my own body is not something that God takes lightly. I learned that God has a plan and a purpose for me and it is all in HIS time and not my own. Does my heart still bleed with the desire to bear children? Absolutely. Do I still feel alone and abandonded? Absolutely not.
When I finally was still and quiet before God I found that He has been listening to me pour my heart out to Him all these years. I just hadn't given Him a chance to get a word in edgewise.
So, what's next? Whatever God leads me to. I'm open and want to focus on trusting Him and His will for my life. His plan and purpose for me will top my own a million times over. It's about time I let Him work. <3
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