The Good The Bad and The Ugly....My Infertility Journey

Everyone has a dream.  Some people dream of a high profile career focusing on climbing the ladder and chasing the high of a challenge.  Some people dream of a quiet life filled with their simple ways uninteruppted with the chaos of the outside world.  Others dream of chasing the perfect degree that will take them all the places they want to go in life. 

Then there's me.  My name is Celina and I'm dreaming of a miracle.  

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and I prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. My body has been tortured and tormented. My heart and my spirit broken time after time.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I have struggled and my appreciation will never waver.  I will notice everything about my child . I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover, I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry a flood of tears of my broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see,

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love as my heart is full of unconditional love for my child without even knowing him/her yet.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, a friend and a sister because I have known tremendous heart breaking pain.

I know disillusionment and betrayal as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by the fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall and relied on God to be my strength and my fortress. I have believed in His fatihfulness and His unconditional love for me. I continue to praise Him in this storm and trust in His plans for me.

I have prevailed heart break time and time again.
I have succeeded in trusting God's plan for me.
I have believed in His mighty power to heal and prosper His child.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother when God's timing is right.
I have listened when He told me to step out of my comfort zone.
So now, when others hurt around me I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen. I pray. I believe with them in His power, love and faithfulness.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten, as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned that God's calling on my life is far greater than my own selfish needs. I have learned that while God is closing one door (even if temporarily) that He is opening an new door filled with blessing, fellowship, and God's unfailing love. Too many women swallow the pain and the grief and the feelings of inadequacy and bury them inside my shattered heart out of fear for being judged for being less than a woman.
Well, God has opened the door for me to facilitate healing, fellowship, and God's amazing love for us. So God, I will praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands. You know who You are no matter where I am. And every tear I cry, You hold in Your hands. You never left my side. And though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.
Thank you Jesus for your love, wisdom, guidance, protection, healing, protection, and faithfulness to me.  (borrowed, with much adaptation from me, from an unknown source)

It is an incredibly lonely, traumatic, and crushing journey where you question everything about yourself on a constant basis.  It doesn't just stop with the infertility issues.  It affects every single aspect of my life.  I question my professional skills, my job choice, our home, living far way from my family, and even trying to have a family of my own.  It's so easy to fall into a dark depression and struggle to see any light.   

It is in those dark times that God reminds me of Hannah.  1 Samuel 1:10-20 talks about Hannah pouring her heart out to God.  One of my hardest struggles is feeling guilty over my anguish.  Thank God for a loving God whose mercy is new every day!!  Hannah came to God with all of her burdens.  She came to His mercy seat and told Him just exactly how it was.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  She trusted Him with the most sacred desire of her heart.  She begged God to remember her and to see her misery and her grief.  It's so easy to feel like God has abandonded me, but in truth He has never left me nor has he forsaken me.  What an awesome reminder of the love, compassion, and power of our God!  I will continue to trust God to remember me.  I will continue to pour my heart out to Him to confess my grief and anguish to Him.  Although I am not perfect and I'm sure I will have bad days; I have the promise of brighter days ahead.  <3