And Two Became One

God is so good.  Even in the midst of trials and tribulations, He remains constant.  I have waited to post this blog for several reasons.  We were unsure for several weeks what the outcome of our children would be.  It has been a hard experience.  We also were hurting and needed time to let our hearts heal.  I personally needed time to address my fears and anxieties.  I needed time to lay them before the Lord and really give them to Him as much as I am capable of right now. 

Here is our update:


Kinda hard to see but here you can see both of our sweet babies.  What an incredible blessing.  My heart soared to see this picture.  And my heart instantly fell madly in love with these miracles.  Both of them.

Around 7 weeks we noticed Baby B (on the right) was shadowy and there began to be concern about his health.  Considering our past experiences, my heart fell.  Nothing, NOTHING, can accurately describe the heartbreak that a mother feels when she is at risk for losing one of her children. 

By week 8 our sweet miracle of Baby B had gone to Heaven to wait for us there.  Even though Baby B was gone his gestational sac continued to grow.  And grow.  His sac actually got bigger than Baby A's sac at one point.  It has been heart wrenching to have ultrasounds twice a week and continue to be reminded of your loss time and time again.  And for as much as I prayed for his sac to be reabsorbed instead of me passing it; the thought of never seeing it again threw my heart into a panic.

 

 

I am in tears as I write this.  I have desperately tried to stay strong and positive for Baby A through all this.  In fact, today is the first day that I have allowed myself to grieve and cry for our lost child. Please, do not misunderstand.  I am thrilled that Baby A is thriving and growing and developing perfectly.  But I almost feel torn in two.  Sometimes it feels like if I actually grieve for Baby B that I'm "cheating" on Baby A.  And when I don't grieve for Baby B it feels like I am dishonoring the miracle that was given to us, even for such a short time. 

It is hard for me to hear of other's twin miracles without feeling heartbroken all over again for the loss of our precious baby.  Thankfully, God is good.  And He continually provides for me when I feel heartbroken and sad.  He reminds me of the beautiful miracle that we still have and He renews His mercy and grace for me every day.  Now THAT is a miracle. 

Baby Hawthorne (formerly Baby A) is now 10 weeks and 6 days.  He is doing amazingly well!  I don't know that he is a boy I just have a "feeling".  LOL!  Of course, with a consistent 183 heart rate we are very likely to be blessed with a girl!!  Either of which are perfect for us!


 
 
 
 

 

Every time we do an ultrasound we see him moving ALL OVER the place!  Some of the videos we have are absolutely amazing!!  And I will cherish them forever! 

 

I had my first OBGYN appointment this past Wednesday and he's thrilled for us.  We are blessed to have such an amazing doctor and nurse who genuinely care for us and our child.  And just as important, that shares our faith.  Everything looks perfect!  I am being weaned off of my PIO, oral progesterone, estrogen, and patches!  I should be all done by Monday!  Yay!!  And Nay!  LOL!  I am working on this whole give your anxieties to God thing.  It's a work in progress! ;-)

 

So, our last appointment with our RE is on Tuesday at 8am.  It will be a hard visit for me as I've become incredibly attached to our nurse who truly has to be THE most AMAZING fertility clinic nurse I've ever had.  She always patiently answers my questions and calms my fears when they surface.  We want to do something special for her and I'm having to get creative this week. 

 

In other super fun news, I am an aunt again.  I just have to give props to her on this post because I love her so much!  Quinn Marie (named after her amazing Aunt - not just me but I'm claiming it!!) walked straight into my heart the day she was born!  LOVE that baby girl!!

 

 

 I will be more diligent to update our blog now that we have a more stable pregnancy.  Thank ya'll for all your love and prayers throughout the years!  Keep them coming!  <3