In all of my poking around online I recently found a saying that really touched my heart.
Faith in God includes faith in His timing.
For the past nearly 3 years I've been in a constant state of waiting. Now, patience is not my strongest virtue. In fact, I would be fairly confident to tell you that it's not in my repertoire at all. It is a struggle for me to not take charge of a situation. I don't know about the rest of ya'll but I tend to fully commit and then make it happen. Once I've decided something I go for it. So learning to be still is SOOOO hard.
This week I've been praying that God help me be patient. Since I don't know how to be patient on a personal level; I'm going to need an extra amount of grace. In my quiet time with God today He showed me that even WHEN I do get pregnant (notice the positive affirmations) that the waiting will not just mysteriously vanish. So I examined the waiting process.
I'm waiting to get pregnant.
I will be waiting for 9 months to meet our child.
I will be waiting while in labor.
I will be waiting on SOMETHING for the rest of my life.
Do you think God is trying to teach me something?? Just trusting God for only pregnancy is silly. I need to learn to trust God in all aspects of my life and I need to wait on Him to show me His will for my life. His call is for me to be patient in all things.
There is a lot of guilt and shame attached to "infertility". For a very long time I felt like a complete and total failure as a woman. I felt like my life was useless if I could not carry and birth a child of my own body. In my quiet time God showed me Psalm 25:3 "Let none that wait on You be ashamed."
Here are some more scriptures that have encouraged me this week!
Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry."
Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word do I hope." (SO TRUE)
Psalm 40:31 "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint." (this is my Mama's favorite)
Michah 7:7 "Therefore I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me."
So I've got the hint, Father God. I need to wait but not only do I need to wait; I need to hope. I gave up on hope a while ago and although there was always a flicker of it there every month, I was not EXPECTING it to happen.
That's changing for me. I am renewing my hope in God. I am working on being patient and being still. I am working on waiting for God and expecting Him to grant me the desires of my heart. I am working on trusting Him to provide for all of my needs: spiritual, emotional, and physical.
You know, the waiting doesn't seem so devestating when there is so much hope in God. <3
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
Our Mountains and Our Molehills - Part 3
The third step I took was deciding to let go. When I hyperstimulated I decided to take control. I took a little too much. Then I took a lot more until I was begging for God to hear me and yet I wasn't allowing Him to speak into my life or move. I put Him in a tiny little box and kept Him on my shelf. I took Him out once and a while to admire Him and then promptly put Him back on the shelf so I could "fix". I was so tired. Tired of the burden of so many stresses and not being able to carry the load anymore. I was literally suffocating in my anxiety from the burden of it all.
Matthew 17:20 says, "And He said to them, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you."
This is my daily proclomation now. Where was my faith? I know I keep going on and on about faith but without it life is incredibly overwhelming. Recently I had to make a tough decision about a job opportunity. I had to be more patient than I think I have ever been to wait for the right job to become available. I prayed and prayed that God would "hurry up already" and let me make a move. It did take a lot of prayer and a lot of faith but He did honor my prayers and the desire of my heart. For my faithfulness I have been given an incredible gift of amazing co-workers and an incredible company that I get call my own now. How good is my God? I shouldn't be amazed or surprised but honestly I hope that my amazement of God never ceases. It's an incredible place to be.
So here I sit writing this post and I'm sure you are wondering where we stand with our fertility journey. In my quiet time with God (if you don't do this you are really missing out on a tremendous blessing), He showed me how important it is to have faith in Him. Not only that but also to focus on my health and not "infertility". I can also have what I say so I am trying to re-phrase my language to focus on the positive and not always negative. I have started some homeopathic treatments as well as focusing on my spiritual health. In addition to taking natural supplements I am beginning to research going organic for my food source. Not only for fertility but to feel good and be healthy. It's a challenge for sure but I look forward to the journey.
Will we go back to fertility treatments? I'm unsure of what God has for us. Right now I am trusting Him to know what is best for us and to lead us in the right direction. After a lot of prayer and mild arguments with God; I feel led to start a support group for women who are going through similar trials. I have prayed and God has laid it on my heart that we should not have to hide our pain and guilt, but rather lean on the body of Christ for support and love. I've always been transparent and it has not always ended well for me. In fact, most often it ends up hurting me ten fold. I am trusting God to protect my heart in this process as well as the hearts of whatever women I might be blessed enough to encounter and show the love of God to. Together with my OBGYN we are working on founding a Christ centered support group for women facing fertility issues. I keep thinking of how good it will feel to talk to women who know absolutely the pain that accompanies these challenges and how God can work in the lives of these women including myself. I am relieved to put the stress and the pain behind me and face brighter days ahead.
I feel so much contentment and peace today. It's been a while since I've been in this place with my heart. Thank you Jesus for being my savior, my Abba Father, and my Jehovah-Jireh. <3
Matthew 17:20 says, "And He said to them, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you."
This is my daily proclomation now. Where was my faith? I know I keep going on and on about faith but without it life is incredibly overwhelming. Recently I had to make a tough decision about a job opportunity. I had to be more patient than I think I have ever been to wait for the right job to become available. I prayed and prayed that God would "hurry up already" and let me make a move. It did take a lot of prayer and a lot of faith but He did honor my prayers and the desire of my heart. For my faithfulness I have been given an incredible gift of amazing co-workers and an incredible company that I get call my own now. How good is my God? I shouldn't be amazed or surprised but honestly I hope that my amazement of God never ceases. It's an incredible place to be.
So here I sit writing this post and I'm sure you are wondering where we stand with our fertility journey. In my quiet time with God (if you don't do this you are really missing out on a tremendous blessing), He showed me how important it is to have faith in Him. Not only that but also to focus on my health and not "infertility". I can also have what I say so I am trying to re-phrase my language to focus on the positive and not always negative. I have started some homeopathic treatments as well as focusing on my spiritual health. In addition to taking natural supplements I am beginning to research going organic for my food source. Not only for fertility but to feel good and be healthy. It's a challenge for sure but I look forward to the journey.
Will we go back to fertility treatments? I'm unsure of what God has for us. Right now I am trusting Him to know what is best for us and to lead us in the right direction. After a lot of prayer and mild arguments with God; I feel led to start a support group for women who are going through similar trials. I have prayed and God has laid it on my heart that we should not have to hide our pain and guilt, but rather lean on the body of Christ for support and love. I've always been transparent and it has not always ended well for me. In fact, most often it ends up hurting me ten fold. I am trusting God to protect my heart in this process as well as the hearts of whatever women I might be blessed enough to encounter and show the love of God to. Together with my OBGYN we are working on founding a Christ centered support group for women facing fertility issues. I keep thinking of how good it will feel to talk to women who know absolutely the pain that accompanies these challenges and how God can work in the lives of these women including myself. I am relieved to put the stress and the pain behind me and face brighter days ahead.
I feel so much contentment and peace today. It's been a while since I've been in this place with my heart. Thank you Jesus for being my savior, my Abba Father, and my Jehovah-Jireh. <3
Our Mountains and Our Molehills - Part 2
When we first met our OBGYN it was on a Saturday. She called and had to cancel our appointment during the week and then called back and asked if we could come in on Saturday so she could see us. This was our first inkling that she was an answer to prayer. Finally we had a doctor that was truly passionate about her job and about her patients. After our consultation she repeated several tests and found problems that had not been identified previously. Let me also say that I had been diagnosed with PCOS after hyperstimulating on Clomid. I was told I was too fat. I was told that I would never be able to have children. When I came to her I was nearly broken and my emotions were all over the place. I didn't know what to believe. I didn't know what to do. During our first appointment our doctor prayed with us. She cried with me and hugged me. She told me that she was going to do everything she could to help us. THAT kind of compassion and empathy boosted my spirits and my heart began to hope again.
She diagnosed me with an-ovulation and threw out all the other diagnosis. She started me on Letrizol in combination with HCG shots to release the eggs and progesterone to support a pregnancy. The medication was a success in that my body actually ovulated on the medication. Unfortunately ovulation came as incredibly painful and draining. I was in the ER most every month with uncontrollable pain. I thought I was going to die, but I was willing to endure ANYTHING to get pregnant. After 8 months of gruelling physical trauma to my body and extreme emotional distress, we made the decision to take a break.
For the past several years I had been in rehab management. The positions I took as a manager were stressful and I often took on "project" departments that required a lot of work in order to get them functioning well and to be profitable. As you can imagine these jobs were very stressful and exactly the opposite of what is needed for an infertile woman. All during my fertility treatments we had quite a lot of personal sorrow as well. We lost both of my husband's grandparents and went through quite a bit of sadness and loss. In telling you all of this I realize looking back that where you are in life can really have a huge impact on your fertility. During this time of struggle, sadness, and stress I was trying to force my body to do something it wasn't ready to do. Relax?? Who does that?! ;)
Since taking a break from all of the fertility treatments I have had a lot of time to make changes to my lifestyle. The first step was going back to being a solely treating therapist. No more management and no more stress (not as much anyway). Then I started treating a whole new population with different diagnosis and I felt my passion ignite for my profession agian. The second was we bought a home and renovated so it was comfortable for us. We are still in process of renovating, but who isn't if you own a home, right? :)
She diagnosed me with an-ovulation and threw out all the other diagnosis. She started me on Letrizol in combination with HCG shots to release the eggs and progesterone to support a pregnancy. The medication was a success in that my body actually ovulated on the medication. Unfortunately ovulation came as incredibly painful and draining. I was in the ER most every month with uncontrollable pain. I thought I was going to die, but I was willing to endure ANYTHING to get pregnant. After 8 months of gruelling physical trauma to my body and extreme emotional distress, we made the decision to take a break.
For the past several years I had been in rehab management. The positions I took as a manager were stressful and I often took on "project" departments that required a lot of work in order to get them functioning well and to be profitable. As you can imagine these jobs were very stressful and exactly the opposite of what is needed for an infertile woman. All during my fertility treatments we had quite a lot of personal sorrow as well. We lost both of my husband's grandparents and went through quite a bit of sadness and loss. In telling you all of this I realize looking back that where you are in life can really have a huge impact on your fertility. During this time of struggle, sadness, and stress I was trying to force my body to do something it wasn't ready to do. Relax?? Who does that?! ;)
Since taking a break from all of the fertility treatments I have had a lot of time to make changes to my lifestyle. The first step was going back to being a solely treating therapist. No more management and no more stress (not as much anyway). Then I started treating a whole new population with different diagnosis and I felt my passion ignite for my profession agian. The second was we bought a home and renovated so it was comfortable for us. We are still in process of renovating, but who isn't if you own a home, right? :)
Our Mountain and Our Molehills - Part 1
I wanted to share our story so that you can see where we started and how far we have come. Our story starts when I had been in Texas for 2 years after taking a leap of faith with God's direction for my life. I was feeling lost and wondering why on earth had God sent me to Texas for 2 years. My husband Andy and I met through e-Harmony in the summer of 2008. When we were matched I acutally got on to close my account. I was preparing to move back home to Illinois to be with my family. I was in the process of accepting a great position in St. Louis where I could be close to my childhood best friend who was expecting her first child. I was setting myself up to return to those I loved the most and the ones that loved me the most.
Then comes Andy. He changed my life. I knew from our very first date that this was going to be the man that I was going to marry. He charmed me, wooed me, and loved me for me. He truly is my best friend and my soul mate.
We married in the summer of 2009 and immediately started trying to start a family. As I was 28 and fixin on 29 we were anxious to get started. We both married as we were older and knew that we wanted a family right away.
After 6 months of not being successful we sought help from a local OBGYN. I was immediately given a low dose of Clomid without any testing. I took Clomid for one cycle and was not monitored. I was given no information about the medication side effects so you can imagine my surprise when I ended up in the ER with hyper-stimulated and in incredible pain. Many tests later and 900 miles away from home and my OBGYN I was told to rest and be very careful not to do too much so I could avoid losing an ovary. As you can imagine this was all very traumatic and I was left hurting not only physically but emotionally. I was scared and confused not really understanding why I was going through all of this.
That was when I decided I was going to take control of my infertility decisions. I was going to become informed and ensure that I educated myself on infertilty and treatments and my options. When I made that decision I unconsciously made the decision to push God to the backburner and rely on myself to "fix" my fertility issues.
When we got back to Texas from visiting my family my husband and I talked to a friend and his wife who had infertility treatments in Houston. We made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrynologist right away and went to see her. This doctor ran several tests and stated that physically everything looked great with the exception of my weight. My husband's test all came back great. When she sat us down she told me that I was too fat for her to help me get pregnant. She told me that I was not healthy enough and she would not help me get pregnant until I had lost weight.
As you can imagine this was crushing. So many things went through my mind. My feelings were incredibly hurt and I was devestated. Talk about a blow to your already less than pristine self image. I had every opportunity to give up but instead I got stubborn. :) Those of you who know me know that I don't often back down from a challenge and I'll bend over backward to make accomplish something I've set my mind to. I hired a personal trainer and worked for 3 months at 2x/week in the gym and at home in addition to that. I gained 5 pounds. Instead of giving up again I was angry. I hated my body and had a hard time understanding why my body would not cooperate with weight loss and with getting pregnant. I made the decision that my weight was NOT going to prevent me from the deepest desire of my heart and in November of 2010 I had a vertical sleeve gastronomy done. 3 months after the surgery I started with a new OBGYN.
Then comes Andy. He changed my life. I knew from our very first date that this was going to be the man that I was going to marry. He charmed me, wooed me, and loved me for me. He truly is my best friend and my soul mate.
We married in the summer of 2009 and immediately started trying to start a family. As I was 28 and fixin on 29 we were anxious to get started. We both married as we were older and knew that we wanted a family right away.
After 6 months of not being successful we sought help from a local OBGYN. I was immediately given a low dose of Clomid without any testing. I took Clomid for one cycle and was not monitored. I was given no information about the medication side effects so you can imagine my surprise when I ended up in the ER with hyper-stimulated and in incredible pain. Many tests later and 900 miles away from home and my OBGYN I was told to rest and be very careful not to do too much so I could avoid losing an ovary. As you can imagine this was all very traumatic and I was left hurting not only physically but emotionally. I was scared and confused not really understanding why I was going through all of this.
That was when I decided I was going to take control of my infertility decisions. I was going to become informed and ensure that I educated myself on infertilty and treatments and my options. When I made that decision I unconsciously made the decision to push God to the backburner and rely on myself to "fix" my fertility issues.
When we got back to Texas from visiting my family my husband and I talked to a friend and his wife who had infertility treatments in Houston. We made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrynologist right away and went to see her. This doctor ran several tests and stated that physically everything looked great with the exception of my weight. My husband's test all came back great. When she sat us down she told me that I was too fat for her to help me get pregnant. She told me that I was not healthy enough and she would not help me get pregnant until I had lost weight.
As you can imagine this was crushing. So many things went through my mind. My feelings were incredibly hurt and I was devestated. Talk about a blow to your already less than pristine self image. I had every opportunity to give up but instead I got stubborn. :) Those of you who know me know that I don't often back down from a challenge and I'll bend over backward to make accomplish something I've set my mind to. I hired a personal trainer and worked for 3 months at 2x/week in the gym and at home in addition to that. I gained 5 pounds. Instead of giving up again I was angry. I hated my body and had a hard time understanding why my body would not cooperate with weight loss and with getting pregnant. I made the decision that my weight was NOT going to prevent me from the deepest desire of my heart and in November of 2010 I had a vertical sleeve gastronomy done. 3 months after the surgery I started with a new OBGYN.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
God Is In The Small Stuff
Over the past few weeks I've been doing a lot of praying and thinking and thinking and praying. If I were to sum it all up it would be best to say that I've been learning to trust God all over again. I've really found that going through the infertility process that it is also a grieving process. I think it's fair to say that I've been grieving for the past 2.5 years. With every negative pregnancy test came a crashing suffocating depression that literally threatened to overtake my entire existence. During those times I truly believed that God had abandoned me. How could He possibly give me this HUGE desire of my heart to not only deny me, but deny me every single month for 2.5 years? That was where I was at until a few weeks ago. I was angry, sad, depressed, emotional, stressed, overeating, and felt like I was going crazy. I was bogged down by so many burdens that I was no longer living my life but was slowly dying inside. Instead of reaching out to Him I went into fix mode. I tried everything I could think of and afford to try and "fix" my infertility issues. I don't know about you but I'm a fixer. If it can be fixed I'm going to do my best to try. Even to my own detriment.
Can I tell you an exact moment when that changed? Nope. What I can tell you is that I was tired. I was tired of trying to rack my brain for what I had done to deserve this punishment. I was tired of trying a million different medications that made me cry every three seconds, gain weight, and then go through it all for nothing. I had misplaced faith. I'm not saying that I can't trust my doctor to know what she is doing and to do it well. What I am saying is having NO faith in God to provide for ALL my needs and my hearts desires is not a good place to be. I was really struggling with being completely exhausted and irritable toward everyone. I had an extremely low tolerance for anything that got on my nerves which at the time was EVERYTHING! I was to the point that I thought I needed to seek professional help.
I spent a lot of time on my knees just crying out to God. The answer I got was not one I was terrifically thrilled with but I was desperate to have relief. God told me, "Celina, be still." For those of you that know me you know that being quiet and being still is just about impossible for me. For the past several years I've always going going going never slowing down and rarely doing so to enjoy God. So, being still and learning to enjoy God and trust Him all over again seemed like an impossible thing. After years of trusting myself (you see how far that has gotten me) it was hard to let go of that control. I opened my Bible and just asked God to speak to me. I was drawn to 1 Samuel and there I was reminded of the story of Hannah.
It would be easy for people to read the story of Hannah and only see the happy ending for her. When I read her story I see a kindred spirit. I see a woman who suffered and struggled with her barenness year after year. I learned that not everything bad in life has come from Satan. God has a greater purpose for our struggles and our suffering. When I read about Hannah I not only saw that truth reflected in her life but my own as well! God is the giver of life but He is also the giver of purpose FOR my life. I was stunned when I read this and understood it in my heart. I know that to have such a deep and consuming desire to have a child of my own body is not something that God takes lightly. I learned that God has a plan and a purpose for me and it is all in HIS time and not my own. Does my heart still bleed with the desire to bear children? Absolutely. Do I still feel alone and abandonded? Absolutely not.
When I finally was still and quiet before God I found that He has been listening to me pour my heart out to Him all these years. I just hadn't given Him a chance to get a word in edgewise.
So, what's next? Whatever God leads me to. I'm open and want to focus on trusting Him and His will for my life. His plan and purpose for me will top my own a million times over. It's about time I let Him work. <3
Can I tell you an exact moment when that changed? Nope. What I can tell you is that I was tired. I was tired of trying to rack my brain for what I had done to deserve this punishment. I was tired of trying a million different medications that made me cry every three seconds, gain weight, and then go through it all for nothing. I had misplaced faith. I'm not saying that I can't trust my doctor to know what she is doing and to do it well. What I am saying is having NO faith in God to provide for ALL my needs and my hearts desires is not a good place to be. I was really struggling with being completely exhausted and irritable toward everyone. I had an extremely low tolerance for anything that got on my nerves which at the time was EVERYTHING! I was to the point that I thought I needed to seek professional help.
I spent a lot of time on my knees just crying out to God. The answer I got was not one I was terrifically thrilled with but I was desperate to have relief. God told me, "Celina, be still." For those of you that know me you know that being quiet and being still is just about impossible for me. For the past several years I've always going going going never slowing down and rarely doing so to enjoy God. So, being still and learning to enjoy God and trust Him all over again seemed like an impossible thing. After years of trusting myself (you see how far that has gotten me) it was hard to let go of that control. I opened my Bible and just asked God to speak to me. I was drawn to 1 Samuel and there I was reminded of the story of Hannah.
It would be easy for people to read the story of Hannah and only see the happy ending for her. When I read her story I see a kindred spirit. I see a woman who suffered and struggled with her barenness year after year. I learned that not everything bad in life has come from Satan. God has a greater purpose for our struggles and our suffering. When I read about Hannah I not only saw that truth reflected in her life but my own as well! God is the giver of life but He is also the giver of purpose FOR my life. I was stunned when I read this and understood it in my heart. I know that to have such a deep and consuming desire to have a child of my own body is not something that God takes lightly. I learned that God has a plan and a purpose for me and it is all in HIS time and not my own. Does my heart still bleed with the desire to bear children? Absolutely. Do I still feel alone and abandonded? Absolutely not.
When I finally was still and quiet before God I found that He has been listening to me pour my heart out to Him all these years. I just hadn't given Him a chance to get a word in edgewise.
So, what's next? Whatever God leads me to. I'm open and want to focus on trusting Him and His will for my life. His plan and purpose for me will top my own a million times over. It's about time I let Him work. <3
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