The Journey of a Thousand Miles....And Then Some

My husband and I knew from the moment we met that we were for each other.  That kind of knowing is so special and so rare.  There is a part of a woman and me specifically that knows I am designed to be a mother.  I am designed to love, nurture, and grow my child up in God's love and heritage that has been passed down through both of our God loving families. 

Psalm 127:3 "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward."

To me one of the greatest tasks God has appointed me to do in my short life is this:

"And God blessed them.  And God said to the, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth."  Genesis 1:28

God's calling on my life is to be fruitful and to multiply and I am trusting Him to honor that promise to us.  I have spent quite a bit of time in prayer and most of it has been tearful lately.  Since my surgery I have been in quite a bit of pain and it's sometimes hard to see past the pain (the seen) and look for the unseen.  Lately God has been speaking to me about peace and trust and thankfullness.

We have prayed and decided to try an IVF cycle.  We have our first appointment on April 10th, 2012.  It is very expensive and hard on a woman's body, but we feel this is the path that God has led us to and we are trying to trust Him through this.  It's a good thing His mercy is new everyday.

Andy and I are standing on several scriptures and using them to boost our faith, build our trust, fill us with peace, and give us courage to face the path that God has brought us to.  I created a video with pictures of us and other pictures I have taken of nature and have added all of those scriptures to them.  I hope that in some way you are blessed by watching it.  I pray that God will use our journey to reach others and that He will give me courage to show the love of Christ even when I feel hopeless.  <3

One Day

One day my prayer will be answered.

One day I will feel my hope soar to belief and my belief blossom into a beautiful truth.

One day I will sob for joy instead of sorrow.  I will share my excitement instead of my heartbreak.

One day I will know you are mine.  I will see your picture just as you’ve barely begun, as you grow, and as you get ready to be in my arms. 

One day my heart will no longer break for a distant dream but will heal as you grow in me.

One day I will joyfully go through every pain and exhausted moment to meet you with a smile on my face.

One day I will hold you and cry for the incredible miracle that has just been given to me.  I will know true and complete love for you that will never die. 

One day I will be the best Mama because I believed for you, cried for you, struggled for you, suffered for you, hurt for you, and loved for you: all before you even existed.

One day I will be your Mama and you will be my beautiful child.

Let It Rain

So, I asked for it.  I prayed that God would refine me in this fertility process and that He would show me any offensive way in me.  I got what I asked for and then some. 

Last Monday I had a diagnostic laparoscopy done in light of my inability to maintain a pregnancy.  It was scheduled for Monday evening as the surgery was only supposed to take 45 minutes at most.  After beginning the surgery my doctor found a tremendous amount of endometriosis.  A 45 minute surgery turned into 5 plus hours. 

When I woke up; I found out I had been admitted to the hospital due to the severity of the endometriosis and extent of the surgery.  I was pretty out of it and hurting badly and had a hard time understanding just exactly what had happened.  My husband had talked to the doctor after my surgery and while I trust him and love him dearly I really wanted to hear from the doctor about what she found and what my prognosis was. 

I was discharged the following day and went to the office on that following Thursday.  Initially she had me seeing her nurse practitioner but she had no idea what had gone on during my surgery so I asked to see my doctor in person.  She told me about the extent of the endometriosis.  She told me that it was so severe that my ovaries were both adhered to organs and that it was very bad.  She got most of it out and told me that the next 3 months are my most fertile and the highest chances for getting pregnant without invitro.  After that time frame she said Invitro will be our only option in order to avoid a hysterectomy.

Yes, this is good news and yet I have to admit to you how much my heart hurts for the months past.  She told me she lifted one ovary and saw a ton of eggs just sitting in there because they were trapped.  My heart broke when I heard that.  All I could think about was all the little eggs that could've been my own little babies in my arms.  After I was over the initial hurt my doctor told me about my prognosis. 

Yes, I have 3 months with the highest fertility and that is a true gift from God, but what came next terrified me.  She diagnosed me with stage 4 endometriosis.  This means that it is going to come back.  The higher the estrogen in my body the faster it will grow.  The treatments needed to get me pregnant will unfortunately speed the growth of the endometriosis, although how fast it will grow is unknown.  She told me that with stage 4 endometriosis it usually gets so bad and painful that it results in a hysterectomy.  Knowing that we want children, of course will delay this unless it is absolutely necessary. 

It is so easy to hear the medical facts and let it break you.  I spent a week feeling broken and cried every day.  Of course, I had some physical complications that contributed to my emotionalism.  I poured my heart out to God asking why with no answers coming.  Then today I realized that I asked God to refine me.  During my prayer time today God reminded me to focus on the unseen.  Yes, the facts laid out before me are daunting.  But I serve a God who is more than enough. 

My faith is the key to receiving. It takes faith to bring things from the unseen realm of the spirit into the seen realm—the here and now.

Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

Luke 1:45 "And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord."

There is one way to receive the unseen.  That is by faith.  So, sometimes even though my faith wavers with the seen I am determined to trust in a God of miracles and a God that can and does move mountains.  I am claiming my baby.  I am claiming complete health and normal function for my reproductive system.  I am claiming my own healthy pregnancy filled with happiness and health.  I am claiming my child of my own body.  I have faith in God to heal my body.  And my heart. 

Will you please join with my husband and myself in prayer for total healing and a healthy pregnancy to come?  Where two or more are gathered in His name He is among us.  <3