Dean Griff Hawthorne

I am officially a horrible blogger.  LOL!  Life has a way of getting crazy at the most unexpected times and the past few months have been exactly that!  CRAZY! 

I am officially 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant today with our miracle.....BOY!  I knew from the beginning we were having a boy.  I had many a doubter but Mama's intuition proved to be right!  Our sweet boy is due August 2 and I am conflicted between wanting to have him in my arms right this second and wanting this pregnancy to last forever. 

My first trimester I was pretty sick and lost 26lbs between being sick and not having an appetite.  And I wouldn't change one moment of it for the world!  Although, losing our second sweet miracle has been a hard challenge for my heart to overcome.  Hearing twin pregnancy announcements still brings up an overwhelming sadness in my heart.  I am so thankful for our precious Dean and the incredible miracle and blessing he is to us.  But my Mama's heart cannot help but miss my sweet angels in Heaven. 

My second trimester has been absolutely wonderful.  My appetite has returned and I have to date gained back 8 of the 26lbs lost.  Words cannot describe how amazing it has been to watch my body grow and change.  Feeling Dean move for the first time has been the BEST part of this pregnancy.  I just sat and cried tears of pure unadulterated joy for the miracle of it. 

Dean has become so incredibly active the past few days.  I have stayed awake all night the past two nights just reveling in his movements.  The sheer miracle that he is humbles me so very much.  I am so thankful to our Abba Father for blessing us with more than we deserve.

I am thankful for every moment of this journey no matter how broken I was, how many times our hearts shattered, how broken my body became, or how much suffering we endured.  All of those experiences have grown us in our faith, our marriage, and our strength of character.  Throughout this journey I have survived off so many scriptures but Romans 5:1-5 has been truly a scripture that anchors me when all else fails.

Romans 5:1-5  "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

I really want to encourage anyone who is reading my blog and who is still struggling with your infertility journey to continue to have faith.  Your journey will not be easy.  God never promised us that.  But He has promised us that there is always hope.  Please read my story and be encouraged in God's faithfulness to His children.  He is good.  Especially in the midst of your storm.  <3

Here are some bump pictures!  I wanted to remember God's faithfulness and the miracle pregnancy He has given us in a special way.  I hope you enjoy!  Be blessed!!

And Two Became One

God is so good.  Even in the midst of trials and tribulations, He remains constant.  I have waited to post this blog for several reasons.  We were unsure for several weeks what the outcome of our children would be.  It has been a hard experience.  We also were hurting and needed time to let our hearts heal.  I personally needed time to address my fears and anxieties.  I needed time to lay them before the Lord and really give them to Him as much as I am capable of right now. 

Here is our update:


Kinda hard to see but here you can see both of our sweet babies.  What an incredible blessing.  My heart soared to see this picture.  And my heart instantly fell madly in love with these miracles.  Both of them.

Around 7 weeks we noticed Baby B (on the right) was shadowy and there began to be concern about his health.  Considering our past experiences, my heart fell.  Nothing, NOTHING, can accurately describe the heartbreak that a mother feels when she is at risk for losing one of her children. 

By week 8 our sweet miracle of Baby B had gone to Heaven to wait for us there.  Even though Baby B was gone his gestational sac continued to grow.  And grow.  His sac actually got bigger than Baby A's sac at one point.  It has been heart wrenching to have ultrasounds twice a week and continue to be reminded of your loss time and time again.  And for as much as I prayed for his sac to be reabsorbed instead of me passing it; the thought of never seeing it again threw my heart into a panic.

 

 

I am in tears as I write this.  I have desperately tried to stay strong and positive for Baby A through all this.  In fact, today is the first day that I have allowed myself to grieve and cry for our lost child. Please, do not misunderstand.  I am thrilled that Baby A is thriving and growing and developing perfectly.  But I almost feel torn in two.  Sometimes it feels like if I actually grieve for Baby B that I'm "cheating" on Baby A.  And when I don't grieve for Baby B it feels like I am dishonoring the miracle that was given to us, even for such a short time. 

It is hard for me to hear of other's twin miracles without feeling heartbroken all over again for the loss of our precious baby.  Thankfully, God is good.  And He continually provides for me when I feel heartbroken and sad.  He reminds me of the beautiful miracle that we still have and He renews His mercy and grace for me every day.  Now THAT is a miracle. 

Baby Hawthorne (formerly Baby A) is now 10 weeks and 6 days.  He is doing amazingly well!  I don't know that he is a boy I just have a "feeling".  LOL!  Of course, with a consistent 183 heart rate we are very likely to be blessed with a girl!!  Either of which are perfect for us!


 
 
 
 

 

Every time we do an ultrasound we see him moving ALL OVER the place!  Some of the videos we have are absolutely amazing!!  And I will cherish them forever! 

 

I had my first OBGYN appointment this past Wednesday and he's thrilled for us.  We are blessed to have such an amazing doctor and nurse who genuinely care for us and our child.  And just as important, that shares our faith.  Everything looks perfect!  I am being weaned off of my PIO, oral progesterone, estrogen, and patches!  I should be all done by Monday!  Yay!!  And Nay!  LOL!  I am working on this whole give your anxieties to God thing.  It's a work in progress! ;-)

 

So, our last appointment with our RE is on Tuesday at 8am.  It will be a hard visit for me as I've become incredibly attached to our nurse who truly has to be THE most AMAZING fertility clinic nurse I've ever had.  She always patiently answers my questions and calms my fears when they surface.  We want to do something special for her and I'm having to get creative this week. 

 

In other super fun news, I am an aunt again.  I just have to give props to her on this post because I love her so much!  Quinn Marie (named after her amazing Aunt - not just me but I'm claiming it!!) walked straight into my heart the day she was born!  LOVE that baby girl!!

 

 

 I will be more diligent to update our blog now that we have a more stable pregnancy.  Thank ya'll for all your love and prayers throughout the years!  Keep them coming!  <3