Refining Fire

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."  Psalm 139:23-24

You know, for a woman who has been challenged with getting pregnant be it months of trying or years there is a certain amount of heartbreak that comes along with watching those around you experience the blessing of pregnancy and motherhood.  For years I would go home and cry all evening after hearing the news of a new pregnancy or even seeing someone I knew pregnant.  I felt so much guilt and self-hatred over my inability to be happy for those experiencing that incredible blessing that I so desperately wanted for myself.  I felt like a horrible, mean spirited person but I just couldn't be joyful for others when I was so desolate.  :'(  If I'm going to be completely honest thinking about the place I was in makes me teary.  (Yes, I'm totally crying as I write this!)

A part of praying like Hannah means that I had to let God into my heart.  I had to be willing to let Him heal my heart and renew my Spirit.  It's a work in progress and I've come so far.  Last week in my quiet time with God I normally do a standard devotional but I felt God leading me blindly to His Word.  I was so incredibly blessed by the scripture He led me to.  Psalm 139:23-24. 

Search me O God.  Do you know how terrifying that is?  It's a tough thing not to constantly guard your heart.  Being such a sensitive person I have had a tendency in the past to just pour it all out there.  After getting burned pretty badly I had learned to put up walls and guard my heart.  Even against God for fear of rejection.  I felt like a failure and asking God to search my heart and to try me and know my anxious thoughts seemed pretty intimidating.  What I took from this is that God wants me vulnerable to Him.  He wants me exposed so that He can refine me into His image.  If I do not allow Him into the deepest confines of my heart and anxieties how can He heal and renew me?  I was afraid He would turn His back on me once He realized what a terrible failure I have been to Him.  Good News!!  He loves me anyway.  Regardless of my faults and sins.  He is constantly refining me and molding me into the Godly woman He envisioned me to be.  How exciting is that???

Onto a personal experience I've had last week that really shows just how awesome God is and how much of a difference He can make. 

As some of you may know I recently started a transitioned from PRN to full time at the local hospital.  It was a HUGE answer to prayer and surprisingly enough for me a true eye opener.  You see, all these years I have labeled myself as defective and as a failure as a woman.  It has been hard to see past those labels when you have seen only them for so long.  God has truly blessed me with the BEST group of women and friends at work.  When I can go to work and profess my love for Christ and it is echoed in the hearts of so many I work with it changes you. 

I want you to truly see how God can work miracles in the lives of His children once they surrender to Him.  Last week our little family at work had a HUGE surprise with a new baby's arrival nearly 6 weeks early.  Mama and baby are wonderful but as amazing as that story is I'm going to show you a different perspective.  Once upon a time I would have gone home and cried for days on end and been in a black depression obsessing about how much of a failure I was.  Last week God showed me how much healing He has actually done.  During the time that I have known this woman our friendship has grown and I have rejoiced with her during her pregnancy.  When the baby was born I was able to go to the hospital to visit her and the baby and rejoice with the family.  I was able to make a hat for the baby and not cry the entire time that it wasn't a hat for my own child. 

I cannot begin to express to you what a burden He has lifted from my shoulders.  It still hurts and I'm not going to pretend otherwise, but I don't begrudge others their own special joy either.  I was able to rejoice about the birth of a child in the first time in nearly 3 years without having a complete breakdown.  Wow.  He is GOOD!!

Do you want to know one of the best parts?  All of the women I work with and even the men will all rejoice WITH ME when I am having a baby.  Regardless of how he/she comes to me.  God has blessed me with incredible lasting friendships that are based on our love for Him.  God is truly bringing me full circle and I finally feel peace, joy and contentment.  It's an incredible place to be. 

My cup overflows.  <3

Choosing Joy

It has been a wonderful week in the Hawthorne household so far.  I know, I know, it's only Wednesday but it's already awesome.  In my quest to be still before God I have found that joy in Him has a lot to do with my ability to be still.  It's funny how the molehills in your life turn into mountains and those mountains remove you from the joy that is abundant in Him. 

Psalm 43:4 says "Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight."


In my fertility journey I had lost joy in Him.  I'd lost sight of who I am in Christ.  I'd lost my grip on true and overwhelming joy.  I am reading a devotional by Angela Thomas called Choosing Joy.  It's a year long devotional on rediscovering joy in Him.  I'm so excited to plug into the joy and happiness and peace and contentment that He has for me.  I'm also looking forward to the refining that comes along with this process.


I've made several life changes over the past year. It's taken me that long to get where I want to be and where I truly believe God wants me to be. I quit high stress jobs with endless responsibilities. I had always taken jobs that paid good money but came with a lot of stress and responsibility. It was a decision I was ready for a while ago but took me a while to find a good fit. Now I'm no longer working 80 hours a week and am focusing on why I got into therapy in the first place.  For the joy of it.  :)  We bought a home and are renovating it instead of renting and moving all the time.  And the biggest of all...I'm learning to be still before God and be content with the blessings He has given me.  There is a lot to be said for slowing down and getting rid of the stress and letting go of your burdens.  I feel so light now that I've come to that place where I'm being still and finding joy while letting go of a lot of unnecessary stress. Letting go and letting God may sound cliche but it's a game changer.  I'm still working on it but I'm excited about the journey.


This morning I woke up slowly, thankful for God's provisions in my life.  It's been a while since I've woken up thankful instead of with anger, grief, and despair.  It was so refreshing to take time with God this morning.  Actually carve out special time for just us, no distractions or rushing around to keep me from focusing on Him.  I read my devotional and had my prayer time all while slowing down long enough to find JOY in it.  Today I'm amazed at how God is working in my life.  I feel renewed and refreshed in Him.  What an incredible day.  One of many more to come.  <3