One of my favorite songs growing up as a child was called "The Lighthouse". It was my Mama's favorite song. So when I was old enough, I began to sing the song as a special at Church. Some of the lyrics really hit home to me this week as I have struggled with this sorrow that is so all consuming.
There's a Lighthouse on the hillside
That overlooks life's sea
And when I'm tossed about
He sends out a light
So I might see
And the Light that shines in my darkness now
Will safely lead me home
If it wasn't for the Lighthouse
This ship would be no more.
It's amazing to me how I went numb after I lost our babies. I was afraid to feel too much because I was terrified I wouldn't survive the pain. My natural, rote instincts kicked in and I proceeded to go through the motions of daily life. Slowly, the darkness crept in. Until suddenly, I was surrounded by it. Being blinded by the sorrow and the mourning of the future we had planned with our twins.
I prayed, I studied my Word, I cried out to God, I sat quiet before Him, I desperately clung to keeping busy. I started to wake up crying every morning. Crying on the way to work. Crying when one of my sweet, kind hearted patients asks if I have children. Crying driving home from work. Crying going to bed at night. Some days I didn't even know what I was specifically crying about. Before I knew it; my little nuances in life were suddenly tremendous mountains. My ability to cope with something as simple as someone else helping my MIL broke me. I was in the middle of a total meltdown. I sat at the table full of family who loves me and ignored everyone of them for fear that I would lose it in front of them. I couldn't eat because I didn't want to participate in their happiness. Didn't they know I was BROKEN?!?! Needless to say the lunch lasted about 20 minutes when my loving incredible husband took me home. Once there I curled up into a little ball begging God to call me to my Heaven Home. I had enough. I couldn't stand the pain, the emptiness left in my soul from the loss of my children.
After calming down and being still before God I realized that I need help. I cannot do this on my own. The only One who can piece me back together is God. I went to see my doctors and even made an appointment with a Christian counselor. But do you want to know what helped the most?
I reached out to my Pastor. I explained how I was feeling. He told me just as my doctor did that I am not in fact a crazy person and that I need to allow myself to grieve. God has shown me that it's okay if not everyone understands my pain. What matters is communication. I have to have the courage to say, "I'm not okay and I need my prayer warriors to surround me in prayer".
And I do so desperately need my prayer warriors to step up and surround me in prayer. Specifically that God will piece back together all the tiny shards of my broken heart that even I cannot see. Pray that God will give me a new measure of peace everyday so that I can rest in His presence. Pray that His light will continue to shine through my darkness until I am blinded by His love and can take back my joy!
Psalm 139:13-16 is amazing and this is the prayer I am praying over myself:
Abba, You formed every part of me and wove me together in my mama's womb. Please help me to remember that I am a beautiful creation exactly how You made me to be. To hate myself or think myself a failure because my body has not fulfilled my desires means that You are a failure. You never make mistakes Abba. You never fail. Help me to know in my soul that I am Your beautiful creation regardless of my current barenness. <3
